Tara Meddaugh

COMEDIC MONOLOGUES

Tara's comedic monologues for men, women, teens and children range in actor age from 4 years old to mature adult.  These monologues are great for auditions, showcases, competitions, workshops, classes, monologue slams, videos, performances etc, but please seek permission of use first by contacting Tara with your desired use of the monologue. You must always give proper credit.

Scroll down for descriptions and excerpts from dramatic monologues, or click the title for a link to the specific monologue. 

Monologue Packet: 19 Extracted Children’s Monologues from the one-act play, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN/TEEN, Cast FEMALE/MALE Setting: Various
Annoying Alien, monologue Genre: COMEDIC/CHILDREN/TEEN/TWEEN, Cast: Any gender, Setting: Bedroom
An Angel of Forced Love, monologue Genre: COMEDY, Cast: MALE, Setting: RESTAURANT
A Case for Astronaut Caroling, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN/CHRISTMAS, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: Home
A Dad’s Defense, monologue Genre: COMEDY/HALLOWEEN, Cast: MALE, Setting: KITCHEN
A Nice Night Together, monologue Genre: DRAMA/COMEDY Cast: MALE, Setting: HOTEL
A Donut Daydream, monologue Genre: COMEDY, Cast FEMALE, Setting: LIBRARY
A Klingon in Love monologue Genre: COMEDY, Cast MALE, Setting: STAR TREK CONVENTION
A Life Spurred into Meaningful Adventure, monologue Genre: DRAMA/COMEDY/TEEN, Cast FEMALE, Setting: FOREST
A Really Good Reason, monologue Genre; COMEDY/TEEN/DRAMA, Cast FEMALE (male), Setting: COFFEE SHOP
A Vacation in the Shower, monologue Genre: DRAMA/COMEDY, Cast: Female
A Waste of a Totally Good Jelly Bean, monologue. Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S/TEEN, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: A KITCHEN
Amanda’s Monologue from the one-act, What Happened at the Mud Puddle Genre: COMEDY/TEEN/DRAMA, Cast: FEMALE
Apple Pie Pain, monologue Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA, Cast FEMALE, Setting, LIVING ROOM
Baby Ants in a Pie monologue Genre: COMEDY, Cast FEMALE (Male), Setting: KITCHEN/DINING ROOM
Begging Blitzen, monologue. Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S/TEEN, Cast: FEMALE/MALE, Setting: A HOUSE
Boringest. Ghost. Ever., monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN’S/DRAMATIC, Cast: FEMALE/MALE/ANY GENDER, Setting: Bedroom
Candy Wrappers at Midnight, monologue Genre: CHILDREN’S/COMEDIC, Cast: MALE/FEMALE/FLEXIBLE, Setting: Midnight, Kitchen
Christmas China That Can Only Be Handwashed, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHRISTMAS, Cast: FEMALE (male), Setting: KITCHEN
Christmas Kale, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN/TEEN, CHRISTMAS, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: HOME
Christmas Superpowers, monologue. Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S/TEEN, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: A MALL
Claire, My Eclair, monologue, teen version Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA/TEEN, Cast MALE, Setting: OUTSIDE OF A SCHOOL
Cloudlily The Unicorn & Zoey, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN/TEEN/ADULT, Cast: FEMALE/MALE/ANY GENDER, Setting: FOREST
Cotton Candy Ice Cream Cone, monologue Genre: CHILDREN’S/COMEDY, Cast: FEMALE/MALE Setting: ICE CREAM SHOP
Cutting Down The Maple Tree, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA/THRILLER, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: BACK YARD
Dinner at Canale's, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: DINING ROOM
Disappointing Hell, monologue or Disappointing Hell, the play Genre: DARK COMEDY, Cast: MALE/FEMALE Setting: HELL
F For Friendship, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/THRILLER/TEEN Cast: FEMALE Setting: WOODS
Ferret Envy, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA/THRILLER Cast FEMALE (male), Setting: APARTMENT
Fingernail Heart, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/COMEDY/DRAMA, Cast FEMALE, Setting: OUTSIDE HOUSE
Forbidden in the Elf Manual, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHRISTMAS, Cast MALE/FEMALE/ANY GENDER, Setting: CLASSROOM
Forgiveness and Defeat at a Pokemon Gym Genre: COMEDY/TEEN/CHILDREN, cast MALE (female), Setting: A PARKING LOT
Four Weeks Late: A Tooth Fairy’s Letter of Explanation, monologue Genre: COMEDY, Cast: FEMALE (flexible gender), Setting: BEdroom
Freshly Squeezed, monologue Genre: COMEDY/TEEN/DRAMA, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: KITCHEN, 1940s
Frog Band-Aid, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA/THRILLER, Cast FEMALE, Setting: OUTSIDE
Growing Up on the Wrong Side of Bingo, monologue Genre: COMEDY/DARK COMEDY/TEEN/DRAMA, cast: FEMALE (male), Setting: FRONT LAWN
Grinching Mom by guest playwright, 6-year-old, Luke B. Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN, cast MALE/FEMALE, Setting: Child’s bedroom
Hallmark Christmas Romcoms Are Stressing Me Out, monologue Genre: COMEDIC/CHRISTMAS, cast FEMALE, Setting: outside a school
Haircuts for Hannah, monologue Genre: TEEN/COMEDIC, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: DANCE STUDIO
Head to Toe, monologue Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC/ROM-COM, Cast: FEMALE (male), Setting: KITCHEN/ZOOM
I Don’t Wanna Be A Jedi, monologue Genre: CHILDREN/COMEDIC (DRAMATIC), Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: BEDROOM
Iowa Is Gonna Be So Jealous, monologue Genre: COMEDIC/TEEN/CHILDREN, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: SAFARI JEEP
Ipad Fury, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S/TEEN, Cast MALE/FEMALE, Setting: A MINIVAN
Jingle Bell Hater, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN’S/CHRISTMAS, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: Class at the North Pole
Locking the Store, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA, Cast: MALE, Setting: GIFT SHOP
Maybe the Next iOS Update... Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA/TEEN, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: A RESTAURANT
March in Line, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY, Cast: FEMALE/MALE, Setting: BEDROOM
Mary's Expectations, monologue Genre: COMEDIC, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: 18TH CENTURY HOME
Maybe the Next iOS Update... Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA/TEEN, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: A RESTAURANT
Meeting Blitzen, monologue Genre: CHILDREN’S/COMEDIC/DRAMATIC, Cast: FEMALE (MALE), Setting: HOME
More Than Santa, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHRISTMAS/DRAMATIC, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: MALL FOOD COURT
Mr. Swimmie, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S Cast: FEMALE/MALE Setting: A HOME
My Missing Skittles, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN/TEEN Cast: MALE/FEMALE Setting: KITCHEN
My Motherhood, monologue Genre: ABSURDIST/DRAMATIC/COMEDIC Cast: FEMALE Setting: LIVING ROOM
Not Just Derivatives and Functions or Whatever, monologue Genre: COMEDY/TEEN, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: SCHOOL CAFETERIA
On Washing Cereal Bowls and Other Millennial Matters, monologue Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA, Cast: FEMALE (male), Setting: KITCHEN
Pit Trap Meredith monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA, Cast: FEMALE (male/any gender), Setting: RIVERBANK
Pitfalls and Treasures—Mary’s Monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/HEIGHTENED/DRAMA, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: Parking Lot
Plastic and Fuel, monologue Genre: COMEDY Cast: MALE Setting: OUTSIDE BY A CAR CRASH
Purring Ironically, monologue Genre: COMEDIC, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: HOME/CHRISTMASTIME
Remove the Rock, Please, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/THRILLER Cast: FEMALE (Male), Setting: OUTSIDE
Santa Just Wants You to be Healthy, monologue Genre: COMEDY, Cast: FEMALE (Male), Setting: BEDROOM
Santa's Lousy Job, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: STORE
Second-Hand Dirt, monologue Genre: DRAMA/COMEDY/CHILDREN/TEEN, Cast: FEMALE/MALE, Setting: Garden
Secret Santa, monologue Genre: COMEDY (DRAMA), Cast: MALE, Setting: AN OFFICE
Seventeen Stitches, Rachel’s monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMATIC, Cast: FEMALE (male), Setting: A VORTEX-LIKE LINE
Shepherd Superheroes monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: A CHURCH
She's So Ugly, monologue Genre: COMEDIC/DARK COMEDY/TEEN, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: BEDROOM
Single Crutch, monologue Genre: COMEDIC, Cast, MALE, Setting: OUTSIDE A HOUSE
Skunk Moms, a trio of monologues Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S Cast: FEMALE (MALE) Setting: A HOME
Snowman Versus Sun, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN’S, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: Outside in Winter
Still Standing Under the Mistletoe monologue Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC, Cast, MALE, Setting: CHRISTMAS PARTY
Teddy Shouldn't Go to Space monologue, by guest playwright, 8-year-old Dylan B. Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN/TEEN, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: FRONT PORCH
The Beanstalk, monologue Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC, Cast: MALE, Setting: A GIANT BEANSTALK
The Best General Tso’s, monologue Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC, Cast: FEMALE (male), Setting: KITCHEN, GLOBAL PANDEMIC
The Best Marriage Advice, monologue Genre: COMEDY/ABSURD Cast: FEMALE (MALE) Setting: A BATHROOM
The Bus Stop, monologue Genre: DRAMA/COMEDY Cast: MALE (FEMALE), MATURE ADULT Setting: BUS STOP
The Dog Toenail, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY, Cast: MALE (female), Setting: A CAN FACTORY
The Mud Puddle, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S Cast: FEMALE (MALE) Setting: OUTSIDE, NEAR A MUD PUDDLE
The Other "Other Women," monologue Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: HOTEL ROOM
The Plum-Colored Sweater, monologue Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: A CLOTHING STORE
The Real Value of Candy Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN’S Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: DENTIST’S OFFICE
The Standoff, monologue or The Standoff, the play Genre: COMEDY Cast: MALE (FEMALE) Setting: SIDEWALK BY HOUSE
The Thing About Mermaids, monologue Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN’S, Cast: FEMALE/MALE, Setting, PARK
Those Jimmy Choo Shoes, monologue Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA, Cast: FEMALE, Setting: PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE
Tinsel for Christmas, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY Cast: MALE Setting: HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
Tiramisu Vaping, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/TEEN, Cast: FEMALE (Male), Setting: HOME
What I Did Before Bingo, 2.5 min version, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA, Cast FEMALE (Male), Setting: LIVING ROOM
What I Did Before Bingo, 1 minute version, monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA, Cast FEMALE (Male), Setting: LIVING ROOM
What My Fangs Are For monologue Genre: DARK COMEDY/THRILLER/DRAMA/CHILDREN/TEEN, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: Back Yard
WHACK THE CHRISTMAS TREE, MAN: Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC/CHRISTMAS, Cast: MALE, Setting: Christmas Tree Farm
Why That Walking Snowman Didn’t Like Me monologue Genre: COMEDY/5-MINUTE, Cast: FEMALE/TEEN/YOUNG ADULT, Setting: OUTSIDE/SNOWY
Your Crucian Carps are Blocking the Doorway, Mom monologue Genre: COMEDIC/CHILDREN/VIDEO GAMES, Cast: MALE/FEMALE, Setting: BEDROOM

MONOLOGUE PACKET: CHRISTMAS SUPERPOWERS AND BELIEVING IN BLITZEN
19 comedic/dramatic monologues for children

Enjoy 19 comedic monologues for children extracted from the one-act play, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen. Monologues range from 30 seconds to 3 minutes, and average at approximately 1-2 minutes long. Check out two free sample monologues from this packet, Santa’s Lousy Job and Shepherd Superheroes.

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN’S TEEN
Cast: MALE/FEMALE
Setting: Various, Christmas-themed
Running Time: Monologues in packet range from 30 seconds to around 3 minutes, most average 1-2 minutes

About the play: Take a snowy walk through the child-like magic of Christmas, where reindeer talk, Santa is real, and who wants super powers?
To four young children, Christmas is no simple sleigh ride.  Annie’s new best friend is a talking reindeer, and she’s not sure if that’s really okay... Sam is experiencing the pressure of being the Lead Shepherd in the church pageant.  Dylan has a very secretive wish he hopes Santa can deliver. And Lauren needs to make sure someone is giving her little brother a very special Christmas. Experience the joys and challenges of Christmas through the eyes of these children in this monologue-driven one-act comedy.

ANNOYING ALIEN

Having an alien ship land in Maleeha’s yard is not as cool as she thought it’d be. In fact, this nosy, noisy, hyperactive, slime-dripping alien is kind of annoying.

DETAILS:
Genre: Comedic/children/tween/teen
Running time: Approximately 1-1.5 minutes (depending on performance)
Cast: Any gender
Age range: any age child through tween or teen
Setting: Maleeha’s bedroom
Time period: contemporary

EXCERPT below:

MALEEHA

Oh, my gosh, Alien, stop being so annoying! Movies make you seem so much cooler than you actually are. You’re supposed to be cute or save my life or make me popular in school or something! But no one is gonna wanna hang out with me if you keep running around like a 2-year-old and making that weird sound all the time! It’s like you’re constantly chewing something gross with your mouth open. (Maleeha sees the alien dripping slime into her bureau drawers.) Can you please stop going through my stuff? You’re getting orange slime on my clothes and—ew! Are you eating my—stop eating my science project! I have to—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK BELOW for the complete 1-1.5 minute children’s monologue, ANNOYING ALIEN.

ANGEL OF FORCED LOVE
A dark comedy/dramatic monologue

BRIAN is a man in his 20s-60s, speaking to, Abby, a woman he’s been casually dating. Abby has felt the relationship is not advancing toward love, but when she tries to break it off, Brian makes a case for his learning to love her.

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDY
Cast: MALE
Setting: A RESTAURANT
Age Range: 20s-60s
Length: Approximately 2 minutes

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BRIAN

Do you—do you want me to fall in love with you?  Is that what you want? Because—I didn’t know that, and I could—I mean, I could work on that. I know you think—I know, I know—you think you’d be forcing me. Forcing me to love you—and who wants that, right? But that’s not how I see it. It’s…You’d be guiding me. Right? Like…a flashlight. In the woods. Or no—not a flashlight. You could buy a flashlight at Home Depot or CVS.  You’re much more than that—you’re so giving to me, with such a tight body, and you make me feel…strong. No one could ever find you, Abby, in Home Depot. You’re… (pause) You’re an angel. This…beautiful kind of… guide-like angel, showing me how to love you. You just have to—you know, teach me. And you’re a good teacher—I’ve seen the notes those second graders give you…You don’t like when I ignore your calls. Okay, you told me and now I know. I won’t do that anymore. You, yesterday, when that hot girl—I mean, that woman—when that woman took the cab we were waiting for and I commented on her lovely short skirt—you told me, you just said, and I appreciate it, you said, “I don’t like it when you point out hot girls to me.” Fine. I don’t have to say those observations out loud. I’m learning already, right? You—END OF EXCERPT
Click below for the complete monologue, Angel of Forced Love.

A DAD’S DEFENSE
A comedic monologue

Doug is standing by the kitchen pantry, in the middle of the night, Skittles’ wrapper in hand. He’s just been caught by his son, Sal, eating Sal’s Halloween candy. Doug at first makes no apology. He’s never pretended to be perfect after all. But as he sees how upset his son is, Doug apologizes and works out a deal to satisfy both parties.

DETAILS
Cast: Male
Age range: 20s-50s
Setting: A Kitchen
Running time: Approximately 1 ½ - 2 minutes
Genre: Comedic, Halloween, Dad

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DOUG

I’m just—um…wait a minute. Uh… I’m not stalling. I’m just—you caught me off guard.  It’s late. It’s, what, midnight? Mom’s in bed. You should be in bed too. You have school tomorrow. I thought you were—I mean, you were in bed. So. You startled me. That’s why I’m a little jumpy. It’s not because I was doing anything wrong. It’s just, you startled me. (pause) Okay (pause) Okay, Sal. I know you saw me eat your Skittles. Let’s just put that on the table. I’m not gonna lie. I ate them. Okay? I think I ate a few Kit Kats too. And Junior Mints. You don’t like peppermint anyway. Sal, you don’t need to cry about this. You shouldn’t be that surprised—I’ve never pretended to be perfect, unlike Mom, and I’m sorry to break it to you, but Mom goes over the speed limit too. (pause) Look, I’m sorry. I should have asked you. Even though I did get out of work early to trick-or-treat with you, and walked a couple miles, so I kind of did as much work getting that candy as you did.  But—I’m still sorry. How about—END OF EXCERPT. Click below for the complete monologue, A DAD’S DEFENSE:

A NICE NIGHT TOGETHER
A dark comedy/comedic monologue

Description: SAMUEL, a married man, is standing outside of a hotel bedroom, speaking to his recent fling, Brigit. He explains the difference in her expressing things that will make them have a nice night together and expressing things that will make them have a bad night. He’ll stick around if it’s the former. He’ll leave if it’s the latter.

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA/ROMANTIC
Cast: MALE
Setting: HOTEL
Age range: 20-70
Approximate running time: 2 minutes

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SAMUEL

If you can keep those thoughts in your head, if you can, whatever it is you have to do, to make sure those thoughts that you think you’re feeling stay there—inside your head—where they belong, not outside your head—not coming out of your mouth, not going into my ears—then, well, we can have a nice night together. (pause) If you’re not sure what to say out loud and what to keep inside, ask yourself this question: “Is saying what I think going to help us have a nice night? (pause) If it is?  By all means—share.  You want examples?  Okay, so…you could tell me how you brought a bottle of whiskey with you. That’s fine. Whiskey’s gonna help things. Make us have a nice night together. Okay.  You could say how you’ve been thinking about me.  Remembering last night. You could tell me how you’ve been replaying the night over and over. Every touch…every sound…every breath…Yeah, that’s gonna help us have a nice night.  You see?  (pause) What I don’t want to hear, examples of things that should just stay in your head, because, well, they’re not gonna help us have a nice night, um, some examples would be…talking about your husband’s triathlon. Asking me what my wife—END OF EXCERPT

CLICK HERE FOR THE FREE COMPLETE "A NICE NIGHT TOGETHER" MONOLOGUE. This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

A DONUT DAYDREAM
A comedic/teen monologue

Lulu is a girl of about 17 years old.  It is about a month before her high school prom.  She is at the library, trying to study with her friend.

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDY
Cast FEMALE
Setting: LIBRARY
Age Range: 15-18 years old
Running time: approximately 2.5 minutes long (varies depending on performance)

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LULU

I’m dreaming of a donut. I’m that hungry. Like, literally, day dreaming about tasting one. Biting into one. I’m not sure which one I’d choose…Maybe the kind with chocolate icing on the outside and that creamy filling.  What are those called? Cream puffs? Not that but…they’re so good.  So rich.  I like that feeling of a little kind of explosion as my teeth hit the pastry.  And the filling just spills out into my mouth.  Or maybe I’d go for a glazed donut.  They’re simple. But we all know they’re the best, right?  The melted sugar.  The glaze.  That slight hint of a yeasty dough. I like to feel the glaze melt on my tongue.  Turn from icing into liquid.  You know you can really taste the sugar, so intense, right on the front of your tongue?  I really should be studying. I know that.  I have my books right here. But when you’re hungry…you know…it’s all you can think about.   I guess this is how those kids in Africa feel.  Those poor kids.  You know it’s my mom that made me skip lunch. She thinks—END OF EXCERPT

CLICK BELOW FOR THE COMPLETE DIGITAL COPY OF THE MONOLOGUE, "A DONUT DAYDREAM"

A KLINGON IN LOVE
A comedic/romantic monologue

ARLEN is dressed up as a Klingon, head to toe, at a Star Trek Convention. He speaks to Trish, a woman who is wearing a Star Fleet officer uniform. He’s fallen head over Klingon heals for her and wants to tell the entire convention! He knows they come from opposite sides of the Star Trek world, but he implores with her to put aside their differences and to embrace their plot-line romance potential. He has hope for their story.

DETAILS
Genre: Comedy/drama, Star Trek / Trekkie / sci-fi monologue
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting:  A STAR TREK CONVENTION
Age Range: teen to 60s
Running time: Around 1.5 minutes

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ARLEN

I know it seems crazy that a Klingon would fall for a star fleet commander, but…crazier things have happened on the Enterprise, right?  We’re not talking DS9 or Voyager here. We’re talking Gene Roddenberry, old school, Jim and Picard.  You remember Kirk and the green alien? Data searching for human emotions?  You know what I’m saying.  You get it.  Who cares if our blood’s different colors?  Who cares what the rest of them think.  We’re in love.  I wanna…I wanna tell Mr. Sulu selling $50 pictures over there—tell him about how you switched your phaser from Kill to Stun when you saw me. I wanna interrupt Dr. Crusher’s speech to tell the world how your hair smelled like apples when you leaned down to fix my mask. I wanna kiss you in a pile of tribbles for the whole convention to see!  We’re different—I know, I know.  You’re a communications officer—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR ENTIRE A KLINGON IN LOVE MONOLOGUE. This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

A LIFE SPURRED INTO MEANINGFUL ADVENTURE
Goldilocks’ Monologue
excerpted from the 10-minute play, A Life Spurred into Meaningful Adventure

About the play:
Goldilocks and Little Bear have run away from Little Bear’s house in the forest to start a new life together, one full of adventure and hope and away from judgmental eyes. However, they don’t quite know where they are going, how they will find their next meal, and Little Bear has never even made a shelter in the woods. Suddenly, the reality of two young friends on their own in the woods, does not seem as carefree as they once envisioned. To read the 10-minute play, A Life Spurred into Meaningful Adventure, click here.

About the monologue:
Goldilocks, the clear leader of the pair, confesses to Little Bear that, despite her apparent confidence, she actually does not know where they are going. As Little Bear appears to be having second thoughts, Goldilocks does not know if her dear friend deserves to have a life without loving parents, like the one she has been ill-fated to endure. She expresses her gratitude of their friendship, but gives him the freedom to return to his protective and loving family, as the adventure she is embarking on will not be easy.

DETAILS
Genre: DRAMA/TEEN/COMEDY/CHILDREN
Cast: FEMALE
Setting: A FOREST
Age range: 10-20
Running time: 1-1.5 minutes

_______________________________

GOLDILOCKS

I…I don’t know where we’re going…We know your parents don’t accept me in your house.  And…I don’t have much of a home to offer you. (pause) You can go back, Little Bear. If you want to.  I mean—I’d understand.  You have a family that loves you.  You’re not like me. And…I don’t want you to become like me. Bears—They’re—they’re not meant to sleep in beds. But—look, maybe I’m not meant to be scavenging a forest for berries, and yet—this is where I am.  And…this is my life.  This is my adventure…but it doesn’t have to be yours....END OF EXCERPT

Click below for Goldilocks’s complete monologue of “A Life Spurred into Meaningful Adventure”

For the complete 10-minute play, A Life Spurred into Meaningful Adventure, from which this monologue comes, click below:

A REALLY GOOD REASON

Kelly, a woman around 20 years old, speaks to her “friend,” Rebecca, in a coffee shop. She explains why she can no longer be friends with her. It’s not because of the things Rebecca does which are unattractive or unintelligent (these things only make Kelly look better in comparison). It’s because Rebecca is starting to look prettier, and boys are noticing. Kelly simply can’t have a friend who rivals for attention. That just wouldn’t make sense.  Kelly lets her down as easily as she knows how.

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDY/TEEN/DRAMA
Cast: FEMALE
Setting: A coffee shop
Age range: 16-40
Running Time: Approximately 1.5-2 minutes
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KELLY

There’s a really good reason I don’t like you.  And I think, look, Rebecca, just listen, I think if you heard me, if you really understood the reason, I think you’d agree with me.  And it’s not because you’re, y’know, “loose”—that’s a nice word I’m using because you know how considerate I am. I like a loose friend anyway because it makes me look like more of a catch. Same thing with how you forget to brush your teeth after you eat those egg salad sandwiches you always pack, or how you chew gum really loudly—and not in a sexy way, like I do. And how you say stupid things like, “Oh, those poor starving kids in Africa,” when really, there are a lot of rich people in South Africa who give tours of giraffes and stuff, so you really don’t know your geography. But that’s all cool with me, because your being those things just makes me look better.  Which makes you look better too, because you’re friends with me. I’m thoughtful like that. But, the thing is…And…oh, it’s so hard for me say...(pause) But really, it’s not. (pause)  You’re--END OF EXCERPT
Click below for the complete monologue, "A Really Good Reason."

A WASTE OF A TOTALLY GOOD JELLY BEAN

STEVEN, a boy (ages 5-15) speaks to his dad. Steven has just shared his Easter jelly beans with his dad who has gobbled up a handful of them all at once. Steven implores his dad to eat the jelly beans the “right” way.

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S/TEEN
Cast: MALE/FEMALE
Setting: A kitchen
Age range: 5-15 years old
Run time: approximately 1 minute

____________________

STEVEN

There is a wrong way. There's really a wrong way and you're doing it, Dad! You're doing it so wrong wrong wrong wrong! You're totally wasting them! You know how hard it was for me to get those? I mean, I waited all year...since last Easter. And—I—I—I don't mind sharing with you. Really. I like it when I can give you something that I really like and you like it too. But—this—this is just wrong, Dad. When someone gives you 20 jelly beans, and they're all different flavors like popcorn and chocolate pudding and blueberry, you don't just—you don't just shove them all in your mouth at once! Then you don't taste anything and it's just this giant blob of like, I don't know, sugary melted plastic or something. You gotta—END OF EXCERPT.
Click below for the complete monologue of "A Waste of a Totally Good Jelly Bean."

APPLE PIE PAIN

HOLLY, is a mother in her 20s-50s. She is at home in the living room. She speaks to her husband, Jesse, who has been watching tv.

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDIC
Cast: FEMALE
Age range: 20-50s
Setting: A living room
Running time: 1-1.5 minutes

HOLLY

My hands are raw—look at them!  I have so many cracks—do you know it stings when I squeeze the lemons? Yeah, it does. I bet you didn’t think about that yesterday.  When you and the boys were sauntering around the apple orchard—picking all that low hanging fruit that even Sammy could reach. Eating cider donuts and launching rotten apples out of the apple canon. Oh, I know you had fun while I was working at the hospital and brought me back this, what, I don’t know, bushel of apples? Yes, I say brought me back because no one else planned on washing all that white pesticide off of them, right?—END OF EXCERPT
Click below for the complete female comedic monologue, APPLE PIE PAIN.

BABY ANTS IN A PIE

ROBIN is in the kitchen with her friend, Gabe.  She offers him some of the apple pie that has been sitting in the window sill for a week now, as she has been savoring it. As she gets it out, she notices something unusual. There are ants in the pie! This initially grosses her out, but she soon finds sympathy for the idea that there are helpless baby ants in the pie.

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDY
Cast FEMALE (male)
Setting: KITCHEN
Age Range: 10-60 years old
Running time: approximately 1.5-2 minutes long

___________________________

ROBIN

There are ants in the—oh, gross—oh, gross—there are ants in the pie! Ew ew ew! Squish them--quick!  Wait--is that a queen in it? Is that possible?  It looks like it has wings. That would mean, I guess, that would mean they must have their nest there, or their hill or farm, whatever it’s called…They must have made the pie their home. And…I already ate a piece—and I don’t even know if I regret it yet because it was really amazing apple pie, but that also means…I probably ate some…ants…and maybe some…baby ants…if the queen just hatched them.  Are baby ants like worms? Or just tiny looking ants?  Oh, I really don’t know anything about ants.  But I do know that I do not want to eat them, and I definitely don’t want to eat a baby ant. I mean…look, ants are gross. Really, just all bugs are gross.  Except maybe…butterflies—but otherwise, yuck, right?  But a baby…I mean, a baby can’t help it if it was born in an apple pie. A baby is—END OF EXCERPT. 
Click below for the complete monologue of "Baby Ants in a Pie"-

BEGGING BLITZEN
From the one-act comedy, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen

ANNIE, a girl of 5-10 years old, speaks to Blitzen, one of Santa’s reindeer who has been visiting her in the afternoons. She is in her living room speaking to him through the window as he stands outside.

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN
Cast: FEMALE (MALE)
Setting: A LIVING ROOM WITH WINDOW
Age range: 5-12

____________________

ANNIE

Hey…you’re magical, right?  Like, you don’t have wings, I know that. But I know you fly. I’ve seen you on Christmas Eve.  Plus, I think I saw you practicing your route on Thanksgiving night—right before we met. And, you talk, which has got to be magical because I keep talking to Bilbo—you know, my golden retriever—and he never talks back. Most of the time, I don’t think he even understands me except when I said “go for a walk.” (pause) I know you have hooves, not fingers and hands, but—END OF EXCERPT
Click for the entire free digital monologue, Begging Blitzen. This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

For the entire play, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen, from which this monologue comes, click below:

BORINGEST. GHOST. EVER

Ayla is frustrated that her middle-of-the-night visitor won’t play with her, won’t talk until the wee hours of the night with her, and won’t even tell her what her name is! Instead, this girl in the odd dress just keeps…well…standing there. Staring at Ayla. Being the boringest ghost she’s ever seen.

DETAILS:
Genre: Drama/Comedy/Children/Halloween
Running time: Approximately 1 minute
Cast: Any gender
Age range: Child
Setting: bedroom at night
Time period: contemporary

AYLA

Why do you always come to my room if you never want to play? I have so much stuff to do in here, and I even got a new Lego set I haven’t opened yet, and we could stay up all night and no one would know! (pause) But you won’t talk to me. Or even sing! (pause) Are you gonna at least tell me your name tonight? So I don’t have to keep calling you ‘girl in the ripped up old dress?’ —END OF EXCERPT. CLICK BELOW for the complete 1-minute children’s monologue, BORINGEST. GHOST. EVER.

CANDY WRAPPERS AT MIDNIGHT

ADRIAN wakes up in the middle of the night and confronts his father who stands by the kitchen pantry, guiltily holding Adrian’s Halloween candy wrappers.

Genre: Comedic/Children
Age range: 5-15
Cast: Male/female
Setting: Kitchen home
Running time: 30-60 seconds 
Originally commissioned by American Pageants, Inc. 

____________________________

ADRIAN

Now you’re the one looking guilty, Dad. I know that face. I made that same face last night when you found me past bedtime on my iphone. But we’re not talking about me now, are we? Cause I’m not the one with candy wrappers in my hands at midnight!—END OF EXCERPT

Click below for the complete 30-60 second monologue, Candy Wrappers at Midnight. NOTE: This monologue is adapted/edited from Tara’s previous monologue, My Missing Skittles.

 CHRISTMAS KALE
From the one-act play, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen
By Tara Meddaugh

About the play, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen (from which this monologue comes):
To four children, Christmas is no simple sleigh ride.  Annie’s new best friend is a talking reindeer, and she’s not sure if that’s really okay. Sam is experiencing the pressure of being the Lead Shepherd in the church pageant.  Dylan has a very secretive wish he hopes Santa can deliver. And Lauren needs to make sure someone is giving her little brother a very special Christmas. Experience the joys and challenges of Christmas through the eyes of these children in this monologue-driven one-act comedy.

 About the monologue, Christmas Kale:
It is Christmas morning and Sam speaks to his parents. He is outraged that Santa has, yet again, given him oranges in his stocking, despite his previous complaints that he doesn’t like them. Since Santa has not heeded his requests, he devises a simple plan that will teach Santa a lesson.

DETAILS
Genre: Comedy/Children/Tween/Teen
Cast: Male/female
Age range: 5-12
Setting: Christmas morning, his home
Running time: Approximately 1 minute

_____________________

SAM

Oh….! Not again! Not again! Not again!  I’ve told him so many times! I! Don’t! Like! Oranges! (pause) But every year—he keeps putting them in my stocking!  I don’t want oranges! They’re messy! And I can’t peel them myself! And the stringy stuff always gets stuck in my teeth. I don’t like oranges! (pause) Travis gets a chocolate truck every year in his stocking. He just lives two minutes away!  It’s the same—END OF EXCERPT

Click below for the complete 1-minute children’s comedic monologue, Christmas Kale.

To learn about Sam, and for the complete one-act children’s comedy play, CHRISTMAS SUPERPOWERS AND BELIEVING IN BLITZEN, click below:

CHRISTMAS SUPERPOWERS
from the one-act comedy, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen

DYLAN, a boy of 5-10 years old, sits on Santa’s lap at the mall. He’s behaved very well this year in preparation for his Christmas gift request. This year he’s hoping for something big. Something he is confident Santa can deliver on. He wants superpowers. Not too much to ask, right?

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting: A mall
Age range: 5-10 years old
Running time: Approximately 1 minute

____________________

DYLAN

I really don’t think it’s too much to ask. I’ve done everything you told me to in your letter last year. I’ve stopped hitting my little brother. I don’t complain—very much—when I have to do homework. I even donated seven toys to Goodwill yesterday ‘cause Mom said I didn’t have enough room for anything more. So I’m ready, Santa. I’m only asking you for one thing this year. And you can try to steer me away from it all you want by telling me about how you made a new truck this year and how I can do hundreds of things with a big set of blocks and how there are some funny books out there you know I’ll like. But it won’t stop me from asking for it. It’s why I’ve been so good this year and why I know you’re going to listen to me.  So I’ll tell you again. (leans it) I want a—END OF EXCERPT
Click below for the complete monologue of "Christmas Superpowers."

For the entire play, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen, from which this monologue comes, click below:

CLAIRE, MY ECLAIR

ANDRES, a boy around 16 years old, talks to his ex-girlfriend, Claire. He begs her for forgiveness in stealing from her father, and pleads that she consider how his actions were always for the benefit of their relationship.

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC/TEEN monologue
Cast: MALE
Setting: Outside of a school
Age Range: 13-20
Running time: approximately 1 minute long

_________________

ANDRES

Claire, Claire—my éclair…My chocolatey, sweet treat, my—okay, okay! I’ll stop!  Don’t leave!  I won’t call you that. I guess—I don’t deserve to call you that, do I? You’re not my—you’re not my éclair now. Not anymore. I’m just—if you’re sweet then I’m, I’m a—a—a—a Tylenol, like when you chew it up. All bitter and gross. That’s me. I know it, Claire. I’m a gross chewed up Tylenol, and you don’t deserve that. Why would you talk to me? Why would you even look at me after what I did? (pause) But you do look at me. And that’s just because—that’s just because you’re so perfect. You’re like, the most incredible person in the world, and I was so lucky for those two months to be part of such an incredible person’s life. (pause) And, I want you to know, I mean, I hope you already do—but…I know I messed up.  You trusted me...END OF EXCERPT.
Click for complete free monologue of “Claire, My Eclair.” This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

CLOUDLILY THE UNICORN & ZOEY
a comedy

Cloudlily, a rainbow unicorn, looooves all the “thoughtful” gifts her young admirer, Zoey, brings her every day in the magical forest. Sure, weeds and clumps of dirt are nice, since they’re given with the pure heart of a 4-year-old. But… Cloudlily thinks it’s time she can put in a request for a gift that’s a little more…well…yummy.

DETAILS 
Genre: Comedy, fantasy
Cast: Female/male/any gender                                      
Age range: children through adult
Setting: magical forest
Time period: Present
Running time: Approximately 30 seconds-1 minute

CLOUDLILY

(to Zoey, a girl of around 4)               

Zoey. I love the dandelions and clovers and…clumps of dirt you keep bringing me every day. They’re all really cool and special and I know it’s super fun watching my magical unicorn horn turn them into rainbow colors and make them dance and stuff like that.

But I hear——END OF EXCERPT
Click here to for the complete free monologue, Cloudlily The Unicorn & Zoey. The monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

COTTON CANDY ICE CREAM CONE

 Yuri is at an ice cream shop. She has a two-scoop ice cream cone and breaks the bad news to her dog, Bailey, that he can’t share her ice cream. It has some chocolate in it, which she knows is bad for dogs. He doesn’t want to die from chocolate, does he? But maybe if he stops chewing her shoes…she will let him have the cone.

DETAILS:
Genre: Comedy/Children’s
Running time: Around 1 minute
Cast: Female/male
Age range: 5-10 years old
Setting: Ice cream shop
Time period: Contemporary

____________________

YURI

I bet this ice cream looks good to you, doesn’t it? It is good. I’m not gonna pretend it’s bad even if you makes you jealous that you can’t have it. ‘Cause Mom said I should never lie unless it’s about my age so we can get the cheaper tickets to places. The first scoop is cotton candy, and it’s melting already, but it’s still not as messy as real cotton candy, which is so sticky. And I bet my tongue is blue from it, right? Can you see if it’s blue? Oh, wait. I don’t think you see color. Can you?—END OF EXCERPT
Click for the complete free monologue, Cotton Candy Ice Cream Cone. This monologue is free to download above, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

CUTTING DOWN THE MAPLE TREE
A dark comedy monologue

Kari speaks to her husband, Richard, by a chopped down maple tree in her back yard. She quickly admits she’s guilty of cutting down the tree, but relays how it has been taunting her, stealing her breath, trying to trap her. This should come as no surprise to Richard as she’s told him of this before. He has refused to do anything about it, but rather, has spent far too much time with “the tree.” Kari asks Richard not to judge her, as…she doesn’t think she knew he was passed out drunk under the tree when she chain-sawed it down (thus appearing to have injured, at minimum, his legs). Well, without the tree and his legs….at least no more distractions now. She looks forward to their fresh start together.

DETAILS
Genre: Dark comedy/drama/thriller
Cast: Female
Age range: 20-60
Setting: Back yard, near a tree
Time period: Present
Running time: Approximately 2 - 2.5 minutes

KARI

You got me, Richard! Guilty! I cut it down. This—this Maple tree. But, between you and me, we both knew it was coming. You know it’s been taunting me. Standing there with its slim branches outstretching toward me as if it wanted to—no—not hug me—but...slash me or trap me maybe. (pause) I didn’t want to have to cut it down myself. I asked you to make it stop, didn’t I? I gave you a chance first. Even this morning, over coffee, I said, “That Maple tree is stealing my breath! How can I focus on my job and cook meals and train for the half marathon if that tree is suffocating me? Richard,” I said and then I burned my tongue on the coffee, “Richard, if I have to choose between that tree and having my own life, I’m going to choose to live! (pause) Why would I give up my life for that tree? (pause) You were willing to do that though, weren’t you? To give up your life with me…to spend time with the…tree. (pause) I can still picture you, sitting with your back against it, basking in its shade like a vampire, texting and whispering. I can—END OF EXCERPT

Click below for the complete digital copy of the monologue, Cutting Down the Maple Tree by Tara Meddaugh.

DINNER AT CANALE'S
A dark comedy monologue

Vicky has found evidence that her husband, Peter, has been cheating on her and she now confronts him. There is a gun on the table between them, and she implores him to lie to her, so that she is not tempted to actually use the gun against him.

DETAILS
Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA
Setting: DINING ROOM
Age Range: 20s-50s
Running Time: 1 MINUTE

___________________

VICKY

Can you please not make me do this?  Just don’t—just don’t tell me what happened.  If you don’t tell me, if I don’t know, then I can’t react.  Right?  Just, let’s keep it simple, okay?    I don’t wanna—I don’t wanna do anything that…you know, that we’ll both regret later?  And…(pause) God, I wish you hadn’t left that gun right there.  It’s just—I can’t stop playing with it now…and you left the safety off, and I…Peter, just tell me you love me and you didn’t cheat on me last night and...END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR THE COMPLETE FREE MONOLOGUE, Dinner at Canale's This monologue is free to download above, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

DISAPPOINTING HELL

Van has an altercation with his stuck-up soul which lands him in…well…Hell. He speaks to the other people in the waiting line.

DETAILS
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Cast: MALE/FEMALE
Setting: HELL
Age range: 20-60
Running time: Around 2-3 minutes

____________________

VAN

You know, I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t seen my soul tonight.  I didn’t know it was my soul at first, but when it started talking to me, when it started telling me how I was scared of being hit by invisible cars, how I was only happy listening to Simon and Garfunkle…well, it sounded so much like me.  So I go to it.  I go to it and ask it, if it could tell me one thing, just one thing about itself, about me, what would it tell me.  So it hesitates at first, you know, like it can’t decide what delicious secret to tell me.  Then it sighs, as much as a soul can.  It sighs and sort of hiccups a little.  Like maybe it’s overexcited.  Or drunk or something.  So when it’s done making these sounds, it stares at me with its transparent eyes, and it says, in this tiny voice—the voice a fawn might have, or a baby lamb.  And it says, “If you live through today, you’ll get fired tomorrow.  And when you get another job, you’ll get fired from that.  And when you find someone you love, that person will leave you.  And when you die, no one will care.”  (pause) So what do you say?  What do you say when your own soul tells you you’re a failure?  And it looks pretty happy about that too.  Almost giddy—END OF EXCERPT

Click below for the complete dark comedy monologue, DISAPPOINTING HELL.

 F FOR FRIENDSHIP
A dark comedy monologue

Michelle is having a casual conversation with fellow mean girl, Alicia. Alicia has complimented Michelle’s nails and shoes, but for some reason, Michelle isn’t buying it. She’s not buying it because Michelle has just beaten up Alicia and Michelle is now holding a gun. Michelle is sick of Alicia’s back-stabbing and the way she treats other people and she has been trying to purge the high school of mean girls, just like Alicia.

DETAILS
Genre: dark comedy/dramatic/thriller/teen monologue
Age range: teen-young adult
Running time: approximately 1 minute

*Contains mature language in the pdf purchase of monologue, although substitutions are also included as an alternative. For the website excerpt, only the substitutions are written (no mature language)

_____________________________

MICHELLE

Now you’ll talk to me, right? Now you’ll smile…and tell me you like my shoes and My God, did I do my nails myself because they’re so perfect?  (pause) You little back-stabbing snob.(pause) Your voice is a little shaky, you see. So I don’t know if I should believe you.  (playing with gun) Because my nails are actually chipping, Alicia.  See?—END OF EXCERPT
For the complete 1-minute monologue, F For Friendship, click below:

FERRET ENVY

After murdering her friend’s ferret, Jyoti, wrought with guilt, tries to make some form of amends. Perhaps she could take over the role as ferret of the house. But this hopeful suggestion seems to unnerve her friend, and devastated Jyoti decides to follow the plight of the ferret.

DETAILS
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Cast FEMALE (male)
Setting: APARTMENT
Age range: teen through adult
Running time: Approximately 2.5 minutes

___________________________

JYOTI

I know you think I murdered your ferret, but—hey, stop crying.  You’re gonna make me cry too.  And you (starts crying)—know—happens—when—we—both—start—oh!  I’m doing it too now…(gaining composure) Okay.  Okay.  What would Hermione do? (pause) Julia, your ferret ran away.  He did.  I know you don’t want to believe me, but I know this, because…well, I saw him.  And I was wearing my glasses, so I had 20/20.  Or 20/30.  I need a new prescription.  But I could still see it was Foozu, and he was wearing the yellow rain slicker, not the winter coat you tie dyed for him, so I think he was headed for Seattle. (pause) And, I don’t think we should go after him, Julia.  That Payless box wasn’t big enough; you always forgot to feed him, and when you did, it was usually just pebbles and sticks—and I really don’t think ferrets can live on that.  Seattle has a lot more to offer Foozu.  Food, drinks, warm shelter, intellectual stimulation, perpetual contentment.  He deserves that, don’t you think? (pause) I, I know coming in and seeing me with the knife over Foozu’s box makes it look rather strange.  But…Well—END OF EXCERPT
Click below for the entire digital copy of the monologue, Ferret Envy.

FINGERNAIL HEART

Emily is horrified that her ex-boyfriend has thrown to the ground the precious gift she’s given him. A bit at a breaking point, she implores him to see all the love and effort that went into crafting her gift: a fingernail heart (yes…a fingernail heart). She urges him to see their love like the muddied fingernail heart metaphor and give them another chance…But…it seems he’s only backing away…

DETAILS
Genre: Dark comedy/comedy/drama
Cast: Female
Age range: 18-40s
Setting: Outside Erik’s house
Time period: Contemporary
Running time: Approximately 1.5 - 2 minutes
Good for: monologue about scorned love, breaking point, lost love, absurd, weird, desperate, love, desperate love

____________________ 

EMILY

(to her ex-boyfriend. She is horrified at something on the ground) I can’t believe you just threw it on the ground! (pause) I collected your fingernails from the bathroom trash for 9 months, Erik. Nine months of sifting through tissues during Allergy Season and Bandaids when you had that wart—I know it sounds gross, but love can be dirty sometimes, and I’m willing to, you know, get down in the grime because…I love you, Erik! That should mean something to you. (pause) And… (picks up a heart shape object made from fingernails) This fingernail heart should mean something to you too. I crafted it with...well…with my own heart. (pause) And some ideas from Pinterest. (pause) And a few of my own fingernails I threw in, because love is about two people becoming one. (pause) I know you said you never want to see me again, but that was before I gave you this fingernail heart. And—don’t say it now—don’t—END OF EXCERPT
Click below for the complete monologue, Fingernail Heart, by Tara Meddaugh.

FORBIDDEN IN THE ELF MANUAL
A monologue from GRINCHING 101

About the play, GRINCHING 101:
Grinch professors, Sourpuss Fuddy Duddy and Killjoy Cactus Snarl, are pleased to find their Grinching 101 classroom filled with eager elf-students desiring to learn the art of becoming a grinch. However, the class of bright-eyed cheerful students are blatantly failing. Every. Single. Lesson. Are the elves really that dull? Are they actually trying? Or is there some other reason they’re all in this class…? And is there anything, like, anything at all, that maybe…just maybe… the grinches can learn from the sugar-loving, compliment-spewing elves?
For the complete play, Grinching 101, click here.

About the monologue, Forbidden in the Elf Manual:
The Grinching 101 professors have expressed frustration in their inept class of elves and wonder why they are even enrolled in the course. Tootsie Frosted Cookie Stockings explains his reasoning for signing up for Grinching 101: It’s all about the videogames.

DETAILS:
Genre: Comedic/Children/Teen/Christmas
Running time: Approximately 1 minute
Cast: Male (or any gender)
Age range: Any age
Setting: A Grinching 101 Classroom at the North Pole
Time period: contemporary

EXCERPT BELOW:

TOOTSIE FROSTED COOKIE STOCKINGS 

(clarifying name for the Grinching Professors who hate hearing the elves’ long ridiculous sugary names) It’s Tootsie Frosted Cookie Stockings. And the reason I came here today—the reason I thought I might actually be a bit of a grinch inside is that…well…I know this is going to terrify everyone, so brace yourself. But… (ELVES lean in) I hate making snowballs. (ELVES gasp) And sledding. (ELVES gasp) And frolicking in the snow at all really. I mostly just wanna play videogames. And not like, “Fill Santa’s Sleigh” videogames. I’ve—END OF EXCERPT
Click here for the free monologue, Forbidden in the Elf Manual. This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

 For the entire play, GRINCHING 101, from which this monologue comes, click below:

FORGIVENESS AND DEFEAT AT A POKEMON GYM

Benjamin, a boy of around 16 years old, is at a Stop and Shop grocery store parking lot, around midnight. He is speaking with his long time friend (and probably crush), Evie, who is quite angry with him.  Unknowingly, he has defeated the pokemon gym belonging to her team, and now he needs to prove he would never battle with her on purpose...but is it too late?

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDY/TEEN/CHILDREN'S
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting: In a parking lot of a grocery store. Late at night.
Age range: 12-20 years old
Running time: 1-1.5 minutes

_____________________

BENJAMIN

I know you’re mad—I just saw your post of that face with the flames coming out of its head, and I’m just—aw, Evie, I know it looks bad.  I know you won’t believe me, but listen, it’s not, it’s just, it’s not what it looks like. (pause) How was I supposed to know it was you?  You’re a—you’re a girl with really long hair, but your avatar looks kind of like a boy with short hair.   Which is fine, but I mean, right there, that should show you I’m innocent.  And—I never would have thought you’d choose yellow.  Your favorite color is blue—it’s always been blue…like your eyes…And look at your bike, Evie—it’s blue too.  It still has those butterfly decals you put on when you were nine.  I put on the lightning bolts (pause) I know there isn’t much I can do now—END OF EXCERPT.
Click below for the complete monologue of "Forgiveness and Defeat at a Pokemon Gym."

FOUR WEEKS LATE: A TOOTH FAIRY’S LETTER OF EXPLANATION
A comedic fairy monologue 

The Tooth Fairy explains to Harper why she was 4 weeks in retrieving Harper’s tooth. There’s a pretty good reason…and it kind of has to do with the stuffed panda bear Harper is sleeping with tonight…and Santa Claus. 

DETAILS 
Genre: Comedy 
Cast: Female (could be male/gender flexible) 
Age range: Teen through any age adult 
Setting: Harper’s Bedroom 
Running time: Approximately 3 minutes 

TOOTH FAIRY 

Dear Harper, 

Thank you for your tooth. I know it’s been resting under your pillow since…well… circa four weeks ago? Long enough for it to have split apart in two. We tooth fairies call that special occurrence “The Royal Tooth Split”. It’s incredibly rare, and my baby tooth fairy is most excited to use the two halves as perfectly sized snow shoes for herself. It’s impossible to find them of the same make and model, unless, of course, they come from a “Royal Tooth Split” such as yours! So she thanks you immensely too.  (pause)  But. Rest assured, Harper, my delay in retrieving your tooth was not intentional so as to create this Royal Tooth Split, although this is an unexpected perk. The reason I was late, so late, has to do with…well, I don’t want you to think ill of him, but it has to do with…Santa.  (pause) You see, the baby boom of a few years ago coupled with many sick elves resulted in Santa’s toyshop being quite backed up this season. Around a month ago, I made the mistake of stopping by to have a cuppa tea with Sylvie, my favorite reindeer, and Mrs. Claus. Well, Santa popped over for a cookie and when he saw me, he…Oh Harper, he-END OF EXCERPT.
Click below for the complete comedic monologue, Four Weeks Late: A Tooth Fairy’s Letter of Explanation.

FRESHLY SQUEEZED
A monologue from the 10-minute play, Ruth and Harry & the Dinner Party
(This 10-minute play is part of a collection of shorts from The Victory Garden Plays)

About the 10-minute play, Ruth and Harry & The Dinner Party:
While preparing for a dinner party, Ruth reveals a well-kept secret to her husband, which jeopardizes their future as a family.

About the monologue, Freshly Squeezed:
While Ruth prepares the dining table for a small dinner party, her husband, Harry, enjoys a glass of her fresh lemonade. He compliments her refreshment and she explains to him the burden of excelling at so much, yet managing to remain kind despite the jealousies of others.

DETAILS
Cast: Female
Age range: Teen-adult
Genre: Comedy
Running time: Approximately 1.5 minutes
Setting: A dining room/kitchen, 1940s

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RUTH

It’s freshly squeezed. That’s the difference. That’s what you’re tasting. You can’t compare anything really to homemade lemonade from homegrown lemons. It takes an awful lot of care, Harry. They’re not natural to this region. I’ve really garnered a green thumb these past few years. Everyone on Halstead knows my garden is the most plentiful. Now, that’s not bragging, Harry. You’d know I’d never brag. I’m not crass like Betty with that perfumed hair at church and muttering those cuss words in the powder room. It’s just the truth and if I can’t speak the truth to my own husband, who can I? (pause) Some of the girls are resentful though. It comes with the territory of being the best at anything, shame as it is. I’ve encountered—END OF EXCERPT
Click here for the free monologue, Freshly Squeezed. This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

Click below for the entire 10-minute play, Ruth and Harry & The Dinner Party, from which Freshly Squeezed comes.

 FROG BAND-AID
A monologue from the full-length play, Free Space

Amelia’s excitement over her new connection with Ricky is diminished when she realizes she may end up hurting him, as she once hurt a frog she stepped on and directed toward a road. She vows she will act wiser with Ricky than the frog, but the domineering talking bingo chip she keeps in her pocket dashes her hope; it threatens Ricky and demands that she focus only on planning their special Bingo Event. Amelia defends her budding relationship with Ricky, but when the bingo chip begins to leave her alone, she concedes, saying she will put her friendship with Ricky on hold and work on the Bingo Night posters with the chip.

ABOUT THE PLAY, Free Space:
Amelia spends her days under the watchful eye of her mother, doing the same nothing she has done for years. Yet when Bingo arrives at her local community center, a talking Bingo chip convinces Amelia that forming her own game is the way out of this life and away from her controlling mother. However, as her mother begins acting like her newly arrived sister, and the chip becomes increasingly dominating, Amelia discovers her new life is nothing as she imagined. To get the full play, visit here.

SETTING THE SCENE FOR THE MONOLOGUE, Frog Band-Aid:
Amelia is thrilled when the boy she connects with, Ricky, gives her a tour of the cannery where he works. During the tour, she mentions she wishes to run her own life-changing Bingo Game, but has not been able to find a space to hold the event. Ricky offers to host the bingo game at the cannery warehouse. They are excited as they begin to make plans together for the game, as well as to visit a pet shop together. After Amelia leaves the cannery, she speaks to the mysterious Bingo Chip in her pocket which has become increasingly demanding.

MONOLOGUE DETAILS
Cast: Female (or male)
Age range: teen-adult
Genre: Dark Comedy/Drama/Absurd
Running time: Approximately 3 minutes
Setting: Outside, path walking to her home

EXCERPT below:

__________________________________ 

AMELIA

(to a bingo chip) He wants to show me an albino frog!  I— (pause) Oh, you’re right.  I guess I don’t know how to act in a place like a pet shop.  With Ricky.  And around all those frogs.  I wouldn’t want to hurt them, but sometimes I do things I don’t mean to.  And Ricky said that’s not my fault.  (pause) But I did step on a frog once and—I think I broke his paw.  Or his leg.  But I didn’t kill him, and I even took off the Band-Aid I had on my own knee and put it on the frog’s little leg.  I wish it’d had a picture on it.  Maybe a picture of a mouse.  Or a ‘possum.  He would have looked cute with a ‘possum Band-Aid on him.  But it was just a brown one.  Plain.  So then I sort of—pointed him toward the road and gave him a little push, to help him get started on his way…And I knew even as I pushed him, I was directing him toward that road.  And I don’t know why I did that, because I knew he was going to get hit by a car.  Maybe I wanted to see if the Band-Aid would save him, if he’d escape from under a car…But he didn’t…maybe he escaped from something else though…  (looks down at chip) No, I wouldn’t!  I wouldn’t do that at the pet shop!  I don’t want to push any more frogs in that direction.  I’ll just go with Ricky and he can help me— END OF EXCERPT MONOLOGUE

Click below to get the entire monologue, Frog Band-Aid. To learn more about Amelia and Free Space, from which this monologue comes, click here.

For the complete full-length play, Free Space, from which the monologue, Frog Band-Aid comes, click below:

HAIRCUTS FOR HANNAH

EMMA is talking to a group of her dance friends. She feels bad for a girl in their class who is not as stylish as they are and comes up with a novel way to make her feel included.

DETAILS:
Genre: Comedy/Teen
Running time: Around 30 seconds-1 minute
Cast: Female
Age range: tween/teen
Setting: outside a dance studio
Time period: Contemporary

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EMMA

She’s so plain, but super sweet. I feel so bad. Everyone’s look is so on point in dance class and then there’s Hannah. Hand-me-down tights and oh, did you hear? She said her mom cuts her hair! It’s way too short for her face, and I would know because I took an online quiz and it said I was practically a professional stylist! Also an empath. And it’s like—END OF EXCERPT
Click below for the complete 30-45 second monologue. Please note: This is an adapted/edited 30-60 second version of the monologue, She’s So Ugly.

HEAD TO TOE
A comedic/dramatic monologue

Sydney is on a first date. A blind date. And a zoom date during the covid-19 lockdown. Needless to say, she’s nervous—but also excited to possibly form a new human connection. And during this date…her cat pees on the floor. Is her cat seeking attention, since he’s been the only one to get her affection for 8 weeks? And will her date wait for her while she cleans up the mess?

DETAILS
Genre: Comedy/Drama, rom-com
Running time: Approximately 2-3 minutes
Cast: Female (Male/any gender)
Age range: Teen-adult
Setting: kitchen/zoom
Time period: Spring 2020

SYDNEY

(speaks to her blind date on zoom) Do you mind if I put on my weighted blanket? I know it’s not—it’s not a typical date thing to do, but, I’ve never had a zoom date before and nothing is really typical right now so…I hope you don’t mind? (wraps her blanket around her shoulders) It makes me feel… I don’t know, cozy? It was the first thing I bought when we went into this quarantine. I had $200 in my bank account, but I was like, if I’m gonna be alone with no one but my cat, I am getting a weighted blanket.  (pause) You look really nice—I like that you’re wearing a suit. It’s cute you got dressed up. I really—(hears her cat peeing on the floor behind her) Oh—(to her cat, behind her) No, you did not! Barney! Barney, no! You did NOT just pee on my—Barney—get back here! (back to the zoom) I’m sorry—I’m—Look—I— Can you hold on a minute? You don’t have to go—don’t go. Not yet—I mean, I just have to—I have to clean this up, but you can stay on. Stay on…Please…Don’t go. (looks at screen and smiles, relieved he will not go) Okay, I’m just gonna get a wipe. One sec. (off screen) Barney can be a pain but…he’s the only living thing I’ve touched in 8 weeks—END OF EXCERPT. Click below to download the entire monologue, HEAD TO TOE.

I DON’T WANNA BE A JEDI

Joel has had enough of pretending to love Star Wars for his dad. He can handle eating some Star Wars donuts, but his dad has gone too far when he expects Joel to wear Jedi pajamas. Joel needs to break this tough news to his dad. Star Wars just isn’t for him. Captain Underpants is more his style.

DETAILS:
Genre: Comedy/Children’s
Running time: Around 1 minute
Cast: Male/Female
Age range: 5 years old through teen
Setting: Joel’s bedroom
Time period: Contemporary

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JOEL

I tried Dad, I really tried. I watched all those movies with you and ate the donut holes you decorated like BB8. But these Jedi pajamas? I can’t do it anymore! I can’t keep pretending. You’re old enough to know the truth, Dad. So…the truth? I hate how Luke’s father is a bad guy and talks like he’s old and sick. I don’t like the love stories or how they keep fighting each other, and you say the aliens are funny and I’ll like them, but I just think they’re weird. (pause) Aw, Dad…you’re not gonna cry, are you? I know this is hard to hear ‘cause you have a lightsaber keychain with sound effects, and on May 4th, you say—END OF EXCERPT

Click below for the complete monologue of "I Don’t Wanna Be A Jedi.”

GRINCHING MOM
By guest playwright, 6-year-old, Luke B.

Max, a child, around 8 years old, is standing in the doorway, holding his mom’s lamp. His mom catches him, red-handed, about to take her lamp into his bedroom. Max offers her an explanation of this theft, which might not be what you think—and tries to convince her he is not to blame.

DETAILS
Genre: Comedy/Children
Cast: male or female, child
Setting: A child’s bedroom
Running time: Approximately 1 minute

__________________________

MAX

Well, I know it looks weird for me to hold your lamp in my hand, but I have a good reason. My light doesn’t work! (smirks) You don’t believe me? (pause) I was grinching it! What? You don’t know what grinching is! It’s when someone takes something. It’s from the grinch movie. Remember? We watch it a lot. It’s like where the grinch goes over house to house stealing everything. Can’t I have a little fun, Mom? All— END OF EXCERPT
Click below to purchase the entire monologue:

 GROWING UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF BINGO
A monologue from the full-length play, Free Space

About the play, Free Space:
Amelia spends her days under the watchful eye of her mother, doing the same nothing she has done for years. Yet when Bingo arrives at her local community center, a talking Bingo chip convinces Amelia that forming her own game is the way out of this life and away from her controlling mother. However, as her mother begins acting like her newly arrived sister, and the chip becomes increasingly dominating, Amelia discovers her new life is nothing as she imagined. Learn more about the play here.

About the monologue, Growing Up on the Wrong Side of Bingo, extracted from the play, Free Space:
Amelia has just been fired from her volunteer position helping out with Bingo at the local community center, due to refusing to leave the center and jabbing Diane, the Community Center Director, with a bingo chip. It is now late at night and she is outside Diane’s home. She begs for her job back and explains how important Bingo is in her life.

DETAILS
Cast: Female (or male)
Age range: teen-adult
Genre: Dark Comedy/Drama/Absurd
Running time: Approximately 1 ½ to 2 minutes
Setting: A front lawn outside a house, nighttime

____________________

AMELIA

No, wait!  Okay, I’m ready to talk. (pause) Okay. I just wanted to say that, well, I haven’t done a lot of stuff or anything since High School ended. I just sort of stay at home with my mom and, I don’t really do a lot of activities like a lot of girls do. But I’ve been waiting for Bingo to come here for all my life. I mean, I didn’t really know it was Bingo I was waiting for, but I knew there must be—something more…And when I saw that poster you made—When I saw the pictures of those solid square spaces—all so perfectly in line with each other, and when I stopped by the Center for the first time last week… and I heard all those jumbled up balls, racing through their metal cage, all trying to be the special one chosen to be…well, I knew then my Thursdays would never be the same. Because—Because I know what it’s like to grow up on the wrong side of Bingo, on the wrong end of chance, of luck. You know? I was so—END OF EXCERPT
Click for a complete free digital copy of the monologue, Growing Up on the Wrong Side of Bingo. This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

Click below to learn more about Amelia and to read the full digital play, Free Space

READ THE FULL PLAY, HARD COPY
Click below for a hard copy version on Amazon of the full-length play, Free Space.

HALLMARK CHRISTMAS ROMCOMS ARE STRESSING ME OUT

Scarlett and Maia are waiting outside their children’s school for afternoon pickup. Scarlett comes clean to Maia about how she is having trouble holding up her end of a commitment they made together: to watch all the Hallmark Christmas romcoms that come out this season and discuss together. There are just too many movies that have come out and Scarlett can’t catch up! Watching Hallmark Christmas romcoms seems to be the most stressful part of this Christmas season!

DETAILS:
Genre: Comedic/Christmas
Running time: Approximately 1-1.5 minutes
Cast: Female (or any gender)
Age range: 20s-50s
Setting: Outside a school, December
Time period: contemporary 

SCARLETT 

I’ll never be able to finish in time. Maia—I can’t—I can’t do it. I’ve got—Lucy’s Christmas cookie exchange and that White Elephant thing at work and it’s like, every night, there’s something—a play or a concert or some light display we have to go to. And look—all of this is fine. I can manage it. I’ve been managing it for years. And I thought I could make time to build this new tradition with you…. But… (pause) I had no idea Hallmark was going to do double features all Thanksgiving weekend! (pause) I can’t—END OF EXCERPT

Click below for the complete monologue,  HALLMARK CHRISTMAS ROMCOMS ARE STRESSING ME OUT.

IF I WERE A KIND OF FLOWER

Anibel speaks to her older sister, Gracie, at a café. Anibel expresses joy that her newly planted daffodils actually came up for the first year, but also expresses concern that they will die in the Spring snowstorm. Her mother has faith in the daffodil’s strength, but Anibel is not so certain. She imagines how she would respond to the snow, if she were a daffodil.

DETAILS
Genre: DRAMA/CHILDREN
Cast: FEMALE (male)
Setting: A CAFE
Age range: 5-11
Length: Approximately 1-1.5 minutes

_____________________

ANIBEL

Do you know the daffodils I planted last year actually came up? They did! I was like, “What are these little yellow hats doing in the grass?” And then I was like, “They’re not hats, Anibel! They’re your daffodils!” It worked, Gracie! I planted them with Mom and she said they would come up and I didn’t believe her but they did come up! (pause) But then now, there’s all this snow covering them, and it’s already Spring, and it’s not right, but the world keeps getting weirder and weirder. (pause) I don’t want my daffodils to die, Gracie… (pause) Mom said daffodils are really strong and excited for Spring, like me, and that’s why they come up so quickly after Winter. She thinks they’ll survive the snow. (pause) I don’t know if I believe her, but if I were a daffodil, I would—END OF EXCERPT

Click for the complete free pdf of the monologue, If I Were A Kind of Flower. This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

IOWA IS GONNA BE SO JEALOUS

RYAN is a boy, around 7-18 years old. He is on a South African safari with his parents. He is in the safari jeep. A camping pack has just fallen off the jeep and a rhino charged at it while the jeep was driving. Ryan speaks to his parents.

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDIC/TEEN/CHILDREN
Cast: MALE/FEMALE
Setting: SAFARI JEEP
Age range: 7-18
Running time: Approximately 1 - 1.5 minutes

_____________________

RYAN

Did you see it? Did you see him charge? Like—I’ve—he charged, Mom!  Dad—did you see him charge? That’s—you know rhinos can’t really see well? Did you know that? I mean, they charge before they even know what they’re charging at and—that could have been us! You know? It was just the tent pack that fell off the jeep, but—man…It could have been us! (pause) This is the best trip ever!! (quick pause) First, there’s no hot water at the camp during the day so, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you haven’t made me take a shower since Thursday!  And remember how the camp kitchen wasn’t working yesterday so we got to have Lucky Charms and popcorn at dinner?  Plus, when you guys fell asleep last night, I played on my Kindle for 4 hours and got to level 5 in Geometry Dash Meltdown!  I knew a safari would be cool. I mean—END OF EXCERPT
Click for a free pdf of complete monologue, Iowa Is Gonna Be So Jealous. This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

IPAD FURY

JUSTIN, a boy, 7-12 years old, is sitting in the driver’s side of his mom’s Toyota Sienna minivan. The keys are in the ignition, the doors are locked. The window is open about 1 inch. Justin’s mom is standing next to the driver’s side of the car, locked out.

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast MALE/FEMALE
Setting: A MINIVAN
Age range: 7-15 years old
Running time: approximately 1 minute long (varies depending on performance)

____________________

JUSTIN

Just because I’m not a teenager yet doesn’t mean I can’t drive a car. You think I won’t do it?  I might not be good at it, but remember how long it took me to tie my shoes? I had those laces in knots no one knew what to do with, for years, but I didn’t stop. I just kept practicing. You say it’s good to be a hard worker.  Well, my strength is also my weakness, I guess.  Look at how that came to bite you, Mom. Because you know all it would take is for me to put this Sienna in reverse. Just back it out of the driveway nice and slow or maybe not nice and slow. Maybe fast and furious or whatever—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK BELOW FOR THE COMPLETE MONOLOGUE OF "IPAD FURY."

JINGLE BELL HATER

About the play, GRINCHING 101:
Grinch professors, Sourpuss Fuddy Duddy and Killjoy Cactus Snarl, are pleased to find their Grinching 101 classroom filled with eager elf-students desiring to learn the art of becoming a grinch. However, the class of bright-eyed cheerful students are blatantly failing. Every. Single. Lesson. Are the elves really that dull? Are they actually trying? Or is there some other reason they’re all in this class…? And is there anything, like, anything at all, that maybe…just maybe… the grinches can learn from the sugar-loving, compliment-spewing elves? Click here for the complete play, GRINCHING 101.

About the monologue, Jingle Bell Hater:
The Grinching 101 professors have expressed frustration in their inept class of elves and wonder why they are even enrolled in the course. Fluffy McWaffles Tart explains his reasoning for signing up for Grinching 101: It has to do with those “saccharine-stevia-monk-fruit-sugar-free” jingle bells! And brownies. And eggnog. It all comes back to eggnog…

DETAILS:
Genre: Comedic, children, Teen, Christmas, Theater for Young Audiences
Running time: Approximately 1.5 minutes
Cast: Male (or any gender)
Age range: child, teen or adult for TYA
Setting: A Grinching 101 Classroom at the North Pole
Time period: contemporary

EXCERPT below:

 FLUFFY MCWAFFLES TART

The reason I’m here is… well… I was getting really sick of hearing the jingle bells go off every time I moved—like, every single time. You know? I take one step. I jingle. I lift a mug of hot cocoa to my lips and I jingle. I sneeze. I jingle. It’s like a signal to everyone around that I’m doing something. Anything. Does that sound bother anyone else? Well, I hate it. (ELVES gasp) And the last straw was this morning. I came out to the kitchen before anyone else woke up. I started to have some brownies and eggnog, but my mom comes in and sees I’m not eating breakfast food and scolds me! She says, “You’re going to spoil your appetite! You had better still eat all the candy canes I made for breakfast!” (pause) And the thing is—END OF EXCERPT
Click below for the complete monologue, JINGLE BELL HATER.

For the complete play, GRINCHING 101, from which this monologue comes, click below:

LIVVY'S VASE
Adapted from the 10-minute play, Holding Ginger

Jenna is standing in the hallway of her house.  She implores her older sister, Livvy, to forgive her for breaking a special vase from a boy. Jenna wonders if she will ever get flowers and a special vase like her sister.

DETAILS
Genre: DRAMATIC
Cast: FEMALE (male)
Setting: HOUSE
Age range: 5-14 years old

____________

JENNA

Uh oh…uh oh…I’m sorry!  I’m so...I’ll clean it up! Right now!  I’ll—I didn’t do it on purpose. You know that, right?  It was an accident! I was just running through—I know I’m not supposed to be running through the hall, but…Ginger was chasing that ball and I was trying to catch him…Come on.  I’m sorry.  Okay?  I just bumped into it by accident…I’m cleaning it up, see?  Even though Mom would probably be mad I’m touching glass like this and you’re not helping even though you’re older than I am.  But look—I’m doing it!  I’m really sorry, Livvy.   You’ve had that vase for…I don’t know…when did that boy give it to you?  You were…were you my age?  Maybe older.  No boy has given me flowers yet—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR ENTIRE FREE LIVVY'S VASE MONOLOGUE. This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

Click below for the entire play, Holding Ginger, from which this monologue comes.

LOCKING THE STORE
From Poorly Wrapped

Clark is a young man in his late teens or twenties. He is the sales clerk at a gift shop on a small isolated island. Grace, a beautiful customer, has convinced him to give her a free disposable camera, and to wrap it with a roll of wrapping paper from his store. He is smitten with her, beyond rational thought, and does what she asks. He has been wrapping the camera for her, but has been distracted by her beauty.

DETAILS
Genre: DARK COMEDY/DRAMA
Cast: MALE
Setting: GIFT SHOP
Age range: 13-30 years old
Running time: Approximately 1.5 minutes

____________________

CLARK

Grace, you’re so beautiful. Maybe I should…look, it’s almost five. I think maybe I’ll just turn that sign over. Turn it over to say we’re closed. Lock the door, maybe? Would that be alright with you? If I did that? I mean, just so we could make sure our time wasn’t interrupted. You’re so beautiful that I just couldn’t, I just really wouldn’t want it to be interrupted. You know? I mean, if someone walked through that door right now, I just, I just don’t know what I’d do. What I’d be able to do. I just… (moves to door) I’m going to lock it. To say we’re closed. No one will come here anyway. No one should. No one on this island stays out past 4:00. I’m mean, we’re out. But that’s us. We’re different than all of them, aren’t we? We’re the two people who are different, and I’m going to keep the rest of them out—END OF EXCERPT

Click below for the monologue, LOCKING THE STORE.

Click below for the complete play, Poorly Wrapped (the one-act play which the "Locking the Store" monologue comes from).

MARCH IN LINE

Stephanie has been bullied long enough and she is now making a point her community will never forget! She commands her troops to obey her every word and they are willing to even jump out a window for her. But first…she notices a problem one of her loyal troops is having… It’s Mr. Teddy. His stuffing is seeping out again.

DETAILS
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Cast: FEMALE/MALE, inclusive casting
Setting: BEDROOM
Age range: 13-25 years old
Running time: Approximately 2 minutes

 STEPHANIE

(to her bedroom stuffed animals) I’m thrilled you all could make it tonight, gentlemen.  I know I ask a lot of you, but I hope you all realize, I notice everything.  Every tiny smile, every command obeyed, every sacrifice given.  You’re my men, aren’t you?  And tonight, you’re going to prove it. (pause)
Now, I want you all to pick up your instruments and line up in—You!  Stand up straight, please.  I said, stand up!  Would you like the whole town to see you in a wrinkled band uniform?  Don’t answer, just listen. (surveys the troops) Now, form that single line and reflect on your assignment tonight.  Remember, you’re more than simply clarinet players or baton twirlers.  You have a mission, a purpose—and while you may not be here to witness the difference you make, know that I will.  And that’s really what matters most, now isn’t it? (pause) So all those people who said I didn’t have a voice, who said no one would ever listen to me—those awful people, with their awful taunts in my head—“She called ‘fire’ and no one heard her!”  “Have you noticed how the waiter never stops at her table?”  “She can’t even get a dog to lick her hand!” Well—END OF EXCERPT

For the complete 2-minute dark comedy monologue, March in Line, click below:

MARY'S EXPECTATIONS
(from the one-act play, The Other Three Sisters)

Mary has finally agreed to marry the large, ugly, boring Mr. Watts. While she does not love him, she would hate for his offer to go to her younger sisters and see one of them married before she.  Additionally, her neighbors have not received an offer of marriage, and she looks forward to holding this over them.  While she dreads a life with Mr. Watts, she looks forward to the riches and society gatherings a marriage affords.  She reminds him of what he owes to her, and becomes increasingly excited and demanding as she imagines her life with him.

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDIC
Cast: FEMALE
Setting: 18TH CENTURY HOME
Age range: 15-25 years old

_____________________________

MARY

Remember the pinmoney—two hundred a year!  And remember I am to have a new carriage hung as high as the Duttons', and blue spotted with silver.  And I shall expect a new saddle horse, a suit of fine lace, and an infinite number of the most valuable jewels.  Diamonds such as never were seen! And pearls, rubies, emeralds and beads out of number.  You must set up your phaeton which must be cream colored with a wreath of silver flowers round it.  You must buy four of the finest Bays in the kingdom and you must drive me in it every day.  This is not all.  You must entirely new furnish your house after my taste.  You must hire two more footmen to attend me, two women to wait on me, must always do just as I please and make a very good husband—END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR ENTIRE FREE MONOLOGUE, MARY'S EXPECTATIONS. This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

Click for the entire play, The Other Three Sisters, the one-act play from which the "Mary's Expectations" monologues comes.

MAYBE THE NEXT IOS UPDATE...

ESTELLE, a woman in her 20s-40s, has just made it to a restaurant to meet Dan, a man she is dating. She is one hour late to their dinner, and implores him to understand this is not her fault and no reflection of how much she likes him. It’s all just because of, well, her jealous Siri…

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDY
Cast FEMALE (MALE)
Setting: A RESTAURANT
Age Range: late teen-40s
Running time: approximately 3 minutes

____________________

ESTELLE

I know I’m late again, and you’re a, you’re a saint to wait an hour for me, but, listen, really, I didn’t know we were meeting at 6. I thought—remember yesterday, you said 7? And, I know, I know, I know, you’re not gonna believe me, but, I never got the update you sent to my calendar.  I thought we were still meeting at 7.  And—listen to me, I know this has happened before, and you think, you think I’m some sort of flake or, maybe I get off by making you wait, but I don’t. I don’t!  I (pause) Dan…I really like you. (pause) I like…how you make fun of my penguin socks, and how I sometimes have to look up words you use in your emails. I like how you take me to vegan restaurants when I know you love steak.  And, how you’ll listen to pop music with me and pretend to dance even though I know you want to listen to old-man jazz music. And…I like how you look at me, and take your glasses off, because your eyes make me feel warm…and safe… like we’re sitting by a fire place with a blanket around us and maybe drinking hot chocolate…and…you make me feel so happy my stomach’s always nervous around you. (pause) And…I think, see, I think that’s the problem. (pause) I haven’t felt this way before.  Not since...END OF EXCERPT
Click below for the complete monologue of “Maybe the Next iOs Update…”

MEETING BLITZEN

This monologue, Meeting Blitzen, is extracted and edited from the one-act play, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen.

About the play: To four children, Christmas is no simple sleigh ride.  Annie’s new best friend is a talking reindeer, and she’s not sure if that’s really okay. Sam is experiencing the pressure of being the Lead Shepherd in the church pageant.  Dylan has a very secretive wish he hopes Santa can deliver. And Lauren needs to make sure someone is giving her little brother a very special Christmas. Experience the joys and challenges of Christmas through the eyes of these children in this monologue-driven one-act comedy. To read the one-act play from which this monologue comes, click here.

About the monologue: While making Christmas cookies, Annie speaks to her friends about her first encounter with her new friend, one of Santa’s reindeer. And he said his name is Blitzen.

DETAILS:
Genre: Children/Comedy/Drama/Christmas/Holiday
Setting: Kitchen
Cast: Female/Male
Age range: around 5-16
Running time: Approximately 30 seconds 

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ANNIE

So I’m sitting on the couch and not really paying attention to what I’m watching when…I hear this sound outside the window.  It was, it was like this heavy sound, like a horse or something, crunching the snow. Remember how we had that snow at Thanksgiving? So I hear this sound and I look out the window—END OF EXCERPT Click to download the free 30-second monologue, Meeting Blitzen, by Tara Meddaugh.
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MORE THAN SANTA TO ME

BRANDY is at the food court in the mall, having a hot chocolate, speaking to her new boyfriend, Kris, the resident Mall Santa. It is Christmas Day. Since their young relationship has taken place entirely with Kris wearing his Santa Suit (he takes his role very seriously), he has expressed concern that Brandy will no longer want to be with him once he no longer appears to be Santa (he’s been dumped like this in the past). In the monologue, Brandy admits her initial attraction was because he is Santa, but she assures him that he has other qualities, outside of his beard and red suit, which she has grown to appreciate. She finally reveals that she loves him—for who he is, and she is not going to leave him when he is no longer Santa. And if he can believe in the North Pole, well…then he can believe in that.

DETAILS
Genre: Comedy/Romantic/Drama/Christmas
Cast: Female
Age range: late teens-40s
Setting: Christmastime, the mall food court
Running time: Around 2 minutes

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BRANDY

(to Kris, her new boyfriend, the Mall Santa) I know you’re worried everything’s going to change tomorrow because Christmas will be over. I get it and I—I’m not going to lie. Your white beard is…freakin’ sexy—I said “freakin,’” Kris—I keep it PG for you and the elves—But you know it is. It’s so…so fluffy…I could bury my face in it for hours. And—oh…Kris, that laugh… When I first heard your “ho ho ho?” I mean. Please. I was a melted puddle of snowwoman at your feet. (pause) Of course…we all have these things that attract us to people at first. You liked my green pleather skirt and thigh high boots, remember? But we, you know, since then, we’ve connected deeper than that initial attraction. You—you’re so funny—having these long conversations with pets people bring to the mall, and when we share hot chocolate at the Food Court, like now…you always let me have the marshmallows. All of them. (pause) Look, I know we’ve only had five dates since we met on Black Friday, and—END OF EXCERPT

Click below for the complete digital version of the monologue, MORE THAN SANTA.

MR. SWIMMIE

Chloe tries to convince her mom she has matured since she let her pet fish die, and now she is ready to take care of a puppy.

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: FEMALE/MALE
Setting: A HOME
Age range: 4-10 years old
Running time: Approximately 1 minute

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CHLOE

I know Mr. Swimmie died, but this is different. Mr. Swimmie was weird as soon as we got him. Half the time he swam backwards, remember? I’m not a veterinarian but I do not think fish are supposed to swim backwards. I did try to feed him—when I thought of it. You know, like when you bake that chocolate cherry cake I love or even if you were making that gross pot roast that stinks up the house. I had to think of food because I was smelling it. So I’d feed him. Like, every day. Honest! (pause) So I know I forgot a few days. I’m not perfect like Emily, ok? Maybe I was —END OF EXCERPT
CLICK FOR COMPLETE FREE MR. SWIMMIE MONOLOGUE This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

MY MISSING SKITTLES

Sal, a child 5-12 years old, has woken up in the middle of the night to find his father by the kitchen pantry, holding several Skittles’ candy wrappers in his hand. Sal confronts his dad about where his dad may have gotten this candy from, just days after Sal’s Halloween candy was put away into this very closet…

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN/TEEN
Cast: MALE/FEMALE
Age range: 5-10 years old
Setting: KITCHEN
Running Time: Approximately 1 minute

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SAL

Now you’re the one looking guilty, Dad. I know that face. I made that same face last night when you asked if I was playing with my Ipad after I went to bed. You could hear the fighting sounds. You knew I was. But we’re not talking about me right now. Are we? Cause I’m not the one standing by the closet with Skittles’ wrappers in my hands. Did you buy Skittles tonight, Dad? Cause I didn’t think you bought candy at stores. I thought you just bought milk and Band-Aids at stores, and only when Mom asked you to. Not Skittles. (pause) But I do remember what happened 2 nights ago when…END OF EXCERPT.
CLICK BELOW FOR COMPLETE MONOLOGUE.

NOT JUST DERIVATIVES AND FUNCTIONS OR WHATEVER

Angelina is in the school cafeteria and speaks to her friend, Dawson, about his decision to take Helen to the prom. She first points out how Helen is not as kind as she is, but the real issue is Helen’s brain (Angelina doesn’t body-bash, so she won’t mention Helen’s looks). Angelina knows how much Dawson values a brain in a girl he likes (he did, after all, tell her once that “The hottest part of a girl is her brain.”). She is concerned, as any friend would be, that Helen’s brain is just too obsessed with math to be, well, hot.

DETAILS
Genre: Teen/Comedy/Young Adult    
Running time: Approximately 2 minutes
Cast: Female, teen, young adult
Setting: School Cafeteria

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ANGELINA

Are you really going to Prom with Helen?  Don’t even think about the fact that I’m, like, 10 times nicer than her—you know I am—you saw me donating all my old clothes, even from Anthropology, and I could have gotten a lot of money if I’d sold them online. And Helen…she’s mean, Dawson. She wouldn’t even adopt that stray cat we saw in the school parking lot on Tuesday. And you know I was totally ready to do it, except it ran away and you can’t chase cats. (pause) Now, I won’t criticize her looks, because I don’t body bash and am so pro-unity. But can we talk about her brain? It’s okay to judge brains. Because, Dawson, this is the real issue. You could go out with her if you’re into mean girls who, you know, look like her. But remember last year, when we had that really long talk sitting next to each other on the bus going to that art museum? You said, and I totally remember it, because it was so cool you said it, and so much more mature than all the other guys in school. It was like you were…in your 20s... You said, you were like, “The hottest part of a girl is her brain.” (pause) So. You know. Think about her brain, Dawson. She’s always, I mean, she’s obsessed with Math. Everything she—END OF EXCERPT
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ON WASHING CEREAL BOWLS AND OTHER MILLENNIAL MATTERS

Amber is in the kitchen of her and her parents’ home, speaking to her mother. She is tired of washing cereal bowls that she is not even using. She reminds her mother that she almost exclusively eats out, thus supporting the economy, and also not creating dirty dishes. She stresses she has matured as a young adult (now out of college and working a full-time job). She has learned the value of using time for what is important and she doesn’t want to squander her time washing dishes.

DETAILS
Cast: Female (or male)
Age range: Young adult
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Running time: Approximately 2 minutes
Setting: A kitchen

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AMBER

That is not my cereal bowl, and I’m sorry, but, I don’t want to keep washing dishes that aren’t mine. It’s not because—no, listen, listen, Mom. It’s not because I don’t want to help out. I mean, I would pay you rent, but you said you don’t want me to. It’s just—you keep thinking I’m the one leaving cereal bowls in the sink, and I want you to know, it’s not me. I usually eat out. And that’s a good thing. It’s not a waste of my money, Mom, and I hate when you say that, because, it’s like, you’re not seeing how my generation is trying to fix the economy by supporting it. You know? We have to go to the small businesses to keep them open and give people jobs, and, you know, that could be me owning a restaurant some day, or one of my friends. Actually, Megan just told me she wants to open a gourmet chia seed and oatmeal café. I would totally go there. And you should too, Mom, because it’s so good for you and I’ve never seen you soak chia seeds at home. (pause) And you know, the reason I don’t eat cereal here, and create all these dishes that need washing? It’s really because…(pause) As I’ve grown up, I think I just kind of realize what’s important in life. And I realize how precious our time is. I know you understand, because this morning you were crying watching that old video of me when I was two and I was watering our tomatoes with the little turquoise watering can—END OF EXCERPT
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PIT TRAP MEREDITH
A dark comedy

ABOUT THE MONOLOGUE, PIT TRAP MEREDITH:
Meredith has been searching for her wounded sister, Selina, and is happy to find her at last. Selina is upset with Meredith, however, thinking she abandoned her in a tree stump, just like all the other rabbits abandoned her after she was injured. In this monologue, Meredith defends the unjust accusation.

ABOUT THE PLAY, THE MOON RIVER RAFT:
When the rabbit, Selina, breaks her leg, she knows she will not survive long in a forest filled with predators. While the rest of her rabbit colony has ostracized her as a “magnet of death,” her sister, Meredith, remains loyal and plans to keep her safe by hiding her in a tree stump forever. But when Meredith finds Selina at a very creepy river in the middle of the night, Selina reveals a secret she has learned from the elder-rabbits that will save her: The Moon River Raft is arriving tonight and will take all “woundeds” to a perfect place where injuries are healed and no predators exist. Selina pleads with Meredith to come with her, but Meredith has serious doubts. As the Moon River Raft approaches, their fate becomes clear and their loyalty to each other is truly tested.

DETAILS:
Genre: Comedy/Drama/dark comedy
Running time: Approximately 30 seconds-1 minute
Cast: Female (could be any gender)
Age range: Teen-adult
Setting: Middle of the night, in a forest, by a riverbank
Time period: contemporary

MEREDITH 

Don’t lump me in with them! Who sleeps with you every night and grooms you every day? You know I’m different! Do you see all the mud in my fur? Probably ticks too—I haven’t had time to clean. I tried to get to you sooner, Selina—as soon as the dogs left. But the other rabbits trapped me in a pit. They said it was a game, but I’ve never heard of “Pit Trap Meredith.” Have you? (pause) They wouldn’t let me out until sunset but—END OF EXCERPT

Click here for the complete free monologue, Pit Trap Meredith. Click here to learn more about the play The Moon River Raft, from which this monologue comes. The monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

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PLASTIC AND FUEL

After surviving a car crash with a prostitute, DEVON, tries to calm down his angry wife, Amy.

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDIC
Cast: MALE
Setting: OUTSIDE BY A CAR CRASH
Age range: 25-70

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DEVON

Ok, Amy, yeah, it looks bad. I know that. It looks bad, but it’s, it’s, it’s—just listen, listen. It’s not really that bad. I mean, it looks like it…but it’s…just a car. Really. When you think about it. Right? Just a car? A bunch of metal and, let’s face it, mostly plastic. I’m driving around in this slab of plastic, so you can’t, I mean, you can’t expect it to go on forever.  You know how many of Jack’s toys I have to glue back together? Plastic is crap.  Maybe if it were made of steel and, I don’t know, had some sort of fuel that was safer, but really, it’s basically a lit cigarette I’m driving around, just waiting to, I don’t know, be dropped and catch on fire. I’m driving in plastic that always breaks and a walking fire hazard. You can’t blame me. I mean, you really can’t blame me if something happens. You should be more surprised when it doesn’t happen, right?  And look. I’m alive. You forgot that when you saw me—let me just go on. You forgot that, because you were distracted by—I don’t know—those other details—END OF EXCERPT

CLICK FOR COMPLETE FREE PLASTIC AND FUEL MONOLOGUE. This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

PURRING IRONICALLY

When Violet arrives home from work, she’s horrified to see her dignified cat, Luna, dressed up in a holiday “ugly sweater” and matching Christmas-light tiara. As she tries to figure out who might have done this cheesy costuming to her precious kitty, and why (hint: Her boyfriend, Fred, is none too pleased Violet refuses to wear matching snowman sweaters to the Christmas party tonight!), she tries to take off the cat’s sweater. But Luna doesn’t seem to want to take it off… In fact, Luna seems to be liking it. Licking it. Even purring at it. Can Violet accept it if her couture kitty is now preferring Ugly Sweaters?

DETAILS
Genre: Comedy
Age range: late teens-40s
Cast: Female
Setting: Bedroom, Christmas season
Time period: Contemporary
Running time: around 2 minutes
Formerly titled, Purring Sarcastically

EXCERPT BELOW:

VIOLET

(to her cat, Luna) Who did this to you? My baby…Luna… who dressed you up like this? Did my mom do this when she stopped by today? She was supposed to check on you, not dress you up like a Christmas ornament! (pause) Your beautiful white kitty fur all covered up in that ugly red and green sweater and… Don’t tell me that’s a polar bear on the sweater. It is. You poor thing… I’m sure cats hate polar bears! I hope you’re not traum— (looks closely at Luna) What is that on your head? Is this a Christmas light tiara? No, no, no. This has to come off. If you’re going to wear a tiara it had better be handed-beaded couture and – definitely not plastic! I did not rescue you from the streets to have you paraded around like, like, I don’t know, you’re an extra in some bad Grinch remake. Come here. (Luna won’t come to her) Luna! Come here. I’m trying to give you your dignity back! Why are you…you’re backing away from me? I’m not the one who put you in that ridiculous costume! The only person I know who even likes those Ugly Sweaters is—END OF EXCERPT

Click below for the complete comedic monologue, PURRING IRONICALLY.

REMOVE THE ROCK, PLEASE

Ashley has a large amount of blood on her dress and speaks to her friend, Stella. She is frustrated that the town mayor has ignored her repeated requests to remove a large (and, in her opinion, dangerous) rock from a local street. The blood was not caused by a rock-related injury, but in a way, the blood is related to the mayor’s lack of response to her rock-removal request. The mayor should have just listened to her in the first place and they would not be having this conversation right now, and there wouldn’t be blood on her dress either.

DETAILS
Genre: Dark Comedy/Thriller
Cast: Female, 20s+
Setting: Outside
Running time: Approximately 2 ½ minutes

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ASHLEY

It’s exactly what you think, Stella. The blood. I’d love to say I was jogging down Fremont and fell on that God-awful rock by the bench that I keep asking the town to remove and that’s why I’m bloodied on my new Banana Republic dress.  You know just as well as I do that the mayor plays his favorites with our requests. You had no problem getting him to make that bar turn down its Thursday night music. Even though I’d prefer to hear it across town. Free date-night in for me and Ricky. We used to order Thai food. Well, you ruined that for me now, didn’t you? (pause) But me—you know. I ask the mayor for one little rock—or, gigantic rock, to be more accurate—I ask for it to be removed, so that the good citizens of our upstanding town should not cut themselves on its jagged edges—and what response do I get back from the mayor? (pause) Crickets. It’s always crickets for Ashley Mahoney, whatever I request. You know they still do trash pickup at 6am on my block. Why do you get to sleep in until 7, a mile away, when I’m listening to the beeping of that garbage truck back up on our dead street before the sun even comes up? I’ve written ten letters but…crickets. Okay, that’s just my sleep. But this rock. This is a real hazard and if it had bloodied me, maybe they’d take me seriously. Well, it’s a moot point anyway, because I didn’t get all this blood on me from the rock. Although, it’s kind of related. (pause) It’s actually entirely related. (pause) If the mayor had listened when I kindly asked him to remove the rock, please, then you wouldn’t be looking at me like that, with your mouth open, and—END OF EXCERPT.
CLICK FOR THE FREE MONOLOGUE, Remove the Rock, Please, by Tara Meddaugh. This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

SANTA JUST WANTS YOU TO BE HEALTHY

It’s Christmas morning and Vita’s child Cameron, has just come to her bedroom at 5am to complain that Santa gave him a boring orange in his stocking. VITA tries to make Cameron understand that Santa simply cares about him and is looking out for his good health and happiness. Knowing the orange is a bit less than exciting though, Vita encourages Cameron to dig down deep to find another treat—most likely something spectacular. But what her child finds is (d’oh!) not exactly what Vita had in mind!

DETAILS
Genre: Comedy
Age range: 20s-40s
Setting: Bedroom, Christmas morning
Time period: Contemporary
Running time: Around 1.5 minutes 

VITA

(to her child, Cameron) Do you know how many children would love to have an orange in their stocking? (pause) Do you? Okay, don’t answer if you think you can count the number on your fingers. Because it’s more than ten. I’ll give you the answer, sweetie. It’s thousands, probably millions. Fresh fruit in the winter, in the northern hemisphere? It’s a gift. That’s why Santa gave it to you. He didn’t give it to you so you would run to Mommy’s bed at 5am and start whining that Santa gave you something healthy! Do you think Santa doesn’t care about your teeth? Or that you’ll be on a sugar high all of Christmas day because when you have a lot of sugar, you are not very nice to the cat, or your sister, and you don’t want it on record that you were mean on Christmas Day. (pause) Don’t cry, honey… Santa just wants you to be healthy! He knows mortal humans can’t survive on cookies and milk like him. He cares about you. Santa…you know Santa loves you and—Okay, why don’t you, why don’t you dig down deep in that stocking. Really, search around with your hand and—END OF EXCERPT

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SANTA'S LOUSY JOB
From the one-act comedy, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: FEMALE
Setting: A STORE
Age range: 5-10 years old
Description: LAUREN is in a store. It is around Christmas time.  She sits on Santa’s lap and speaks to him.
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LAUREN

You did a really bad job last year. I know I’m just a kid, and I know they say what you do is hard, but I mean, I could have done a way better job. And I’m not even 10.  Like, here’s a tip. Girls like to build things too. Okay?  If you knew me at all, you’d know that. You give my brother, like, 4 Lego packages and you give me, what? A stuffed dog, a stuffed rabbit with a baby rabbit, a stuffed kangaroo with a baby kangaroo and a…what was the other one?  A stuffed alligator. With an egg. I mean, do you think I’m like those babies who throw everything at people’s heads so you have to only give me soft things so if I throw them I’m not gonna hurt anyone? Do you know how bored those poor babies are who only have stuffed animals?—END OF EXCERPT
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SECOND-HAND DIRT
From the full-length play, Movements of the Wind, 2nd movement, Sharing Soil

About the play, Movements of the Wind:
As wind sweeps through a garden, its inhabitants must confront the volatile effects of Mother Nature, as well as their own changing nature. The story follows several short, intertwined pieces, as Carrot and Potato, taught to be enemies from birth, struggle to remain friends, Tulip wants more out of life than only her partner, and two pieces of pollen attempt to make a dangerous jump from a dying flower to a fresh one. Through sacrifice and friendship, they must not only survive their trials, but also come to populate another generation.

About the 10-minute play/scene from Movements of the Wind, Sharing Soil:
In soil cultures, prejudices run deep for carrots and potatoes. But when bully vegetables draw Carrot and Potato together, they must decide if their new friendship is worth risking their safety and rejection from their own garden cultures.

About the monologue, Second-Hand Dirt:
Carrot has just run away from mean carrots who have bitten off her carrot tip, and has been alone crying. Soon, Potato ambles by, and Carrot mistakes her for a lumpy brown carrot. Carrot is embarrassed and hurt from her run-in with the bullying carrots and speaks harshly to the potato. Potato thinks Carrot is acting mean to her. In this monologue, Carrot explains her failed attempts of being accepted into the mainstream carrot group.

DETAILS
Genre: Comedy/Teen/Drama/Allegory
Cast: Female (male)
Age range: 12-20
Setting: Garden
Running time: Approximately 45 seconds - 1 minute

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CARROT

They’re always picking at me. The carrots at the north end. Just because I’m beautiful, and strong! (pause) I’m not mean! (pause) Well, they make me mean. (pause) I usta be nice.  Too nice, I guess.  You know, when Carrot 92’s mother got taken away, I offered her some of the moistest soil I had.  I’d been guarding that soil ever since I can remember.  And I’m still young and growing, you know?  But I offer it to her anyway!  And you know what she does? END OF EXCERPT

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SECRET SANTA
A 5-minute monologue play
Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA
Cast: MALE (FEMALE)
Setting: AN OFFER:
Age range: 20-50s
Running time: Approximately 5 minutes
Description: Dan has failed the Secret Santa “be creative” exchange and left his coworker, Penny, terribly disappointed. He now much defend his lack of creativity to this poor recipient of his gift. Considering his wife has recently made him move out, and she kept both of their cars (she needs one for work and one for the kids), the CVS gift card next to the EconoLodge was not so bad. Dan still has hope that the Christmas season will open his wife’s heart to take him back. But in the mean time, he can at least give Penny a better gift. She deserves a nice Christmas too.
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DAN

What did you expect? Me to knit a scarf? You think I’m gonna bake, what, cookies shaped like Santa and put a bow on it? (shakes head) You can’t have the same expectation on me as you do Chrissy—we all see her at lunch, reading those magazines with, I don’t know what they have on them—little crafts—and—food…things? And Gerald has his own woodworking shop in his garage. I’ve seen it. You probably haven’t, but he’s got everything. He built his kids a huge wooden fire truck.  They can stand inside of it and it has a real hose installed.. They keep it in their driveway all summer. So his handcrafted Frank-shaped nutcracker is nothing for him. (pause) So. Look. It’s—you’re taking this too personally. I know the rules of Secret Santa this year were that we had to make our own gift. But…Penny. You know what I’ve been going through, right? Sarah left me right on Halloween. We’re going through the kids’ candy when they’re in bed, you know, making sure they’re fine, eating a few peanut butter cups. And she gets all excited and says she’s found one with the wrapper open. I tell her Joey was starting to open a pack of Skittles after he brushed his teeth, so I had him save it for the next day. And it’s a pack of Skittles she’s got in her hands too, so it’ gotta be the same one. I tell her all this but she doesn’t believe me and she gets hysterical that someone in the neighborhood is trying to poison the kids. I say I doubt that, but she keeps going on about it, so I shrug it off and let her get it out of her system. We’ll throw them out if it makes her happy, who cares. Joey has enough candy...END OF EXCERPT

Click below for the 5-minute comedic/dramatic monologue play, “Secret Santa.”

SEVENTEEN STITCHES: RACHEL’S MONOLOGUE
From the one-act play, Seventeen Stitches
Genre: Dark comedy/drama
Cast: Female
Age range: teen – young adult
Running time: Approximately 2 minutes

 About the play: In this one-act dark comedy/thriller, Rachel and Peter meet in a vortex-like space between opposing lines of people. While Rachel is simply passing the time before she returns to her place in line, Peter has stepped out of his line in protest. As the lines begin to close in on them, he must make a life-altering decision by choosing to continue forging his path in his father’s line, or join the haunting allure of Rachel’s line, the “line of diamonds.”

 About the monologue: Rachel recounts to her old classmate, Peter, how she first met him. After being bullied by a classmate on a teeter totter, Peter stepped in and punch the bully.

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RACHEL

We weren’t in the same class, but we had recess together. Play time. I’m Rachel. You’re Peter, right? I remember the name of someone who saved me. I was on the teeter totter with Becky Hill—she was really big, remember? She was my age—maybe six, or whatever age you are in first grade.  I think she weighed over a hundred pounds already. I weighed maybe 40, or whatever you’re supposed to weigh at that age. Hey, are you crying? I’m telling you the tale of why I know you and I really think you ought to be listening to me. So maybe Becky didn’t like me because I stuttered when I read Dr. Seuss, or she was jealous that I still wore kids’ t-shirts or maybe she didn’t like me because I was just who she didn’t want to like—I don’t know. But when I was way up high and she was way down low, when her totter was touching the pavement, she—END OF EXCERPT

Click for the free monologue, Seventeen Stitches: Rachel’s monologue.

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SHEPHERD SUPERHEROES
from the one-act comedy, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting: A church
Age range: 5-14 years old
Description: SAM, a boy, 5-12 years old, is playing the part of a shepherd in a Christmas Pageant. It is the night of the performance and he, along with other shepherds, have been playing outside in the mud in their costumes.  They have returned to the church, moments before the performance is about to start and the pageant director is not happy. Sam speaks to the Pageant director, Mrs. Wendell.

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  SAM

What you’re forgetting—I mean—think about it—what you’re forgetting is that, is that, is that, shepherds weren’t neat. They didn’t, like, have a washing machine or something.  They were out in the dirt with the sheep and stuff and probably had to, I don’t know, like, sleep in a mud puddle sometimes? If it was raining? And you told us to really try to think like our character, like, what would a shepherd be doing if he was just out there with the sheep all day? And like, I think, a shepherd would probably be playing. Because he has all those sheep to jump over and stuff, and maybe all the other shepherds to play with too, so I was thinking they’d probably be playing Superheroes—END OF EXCERPT

Click for the free digital copy of the 1-minute comedic holiday monologue, Shepherd Superheroes.
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For the entire play, Christmas Superpowers and Believing in Blitzen, from which this monologue comes, click below:

SHE'S SO UGLY
Genre: COMEDY/DARK COMEDY/TEEN
Cast: FEMALE
Setting: A TEEN BEDROOM
Age range: 12-22
Running time: Approximately 1 minute
Description: Skyler speaks to her friends about Hannah, a girl in their dance class, who is far from pretty. She pities poor Hannah being stuck with so many beautiful girls and illustrates just how ugly Hannah truly is. She has the idea to give her a make-over, but does not think any makeover could bring her even close to the extremely high caliber of the other beautiful girls. She comes to the realization that the only way to make Hannah appear prettier, is to make the pretty girls uglier. She recognizes this will be a challenge, as well, but they will not shy away from a challenge.
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SKYLER

She’s so ugly, I feel so bad. No, seriously, I do, because I have, like, a really high level of empathy. I took a test online and I’m basically an empath. So think of walking in to school every day like that, and worse, oh my god, worse, our dance class, right? Everyone is so pretty in that class. We can’t help it. Attractive people like to dance and that’s not our fault and that’s not discrimination. It can’t be, because Hannah’s in that class, and well...(pause) She must feel so alone. Her poor face…oh my God, her poor hair and skin and eyes. Look, you guys know I think everyone is beautiful in their own way. You saw what my shirt said yesterday, right? “Being Beautiful Is Everyone’s Destiny.” Everyone’s. Not just mine. And I wouldn’t wear it if I didn’t believe it. You know I hold true to my convictions. It’s why everyone likes me. (pause) But Hannah…I mean, maybe we need to focus on her inner beauty, you know? And it’s like, we could do a make-over, and draw some beauty out, but, I really don’t think that’s enough. The standard in our class is just too high. So. I was thinking. You know how--—END OF EXCERPT
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SINGLE CRUTCH
a comedic teen monologue

After a bully steals Ben’s crutch, Ben begs his friend to lend him his old “Tiny Tim” crutch so he can make Marching Band auditions in time! Ben points out, his friend kind of owes him. After all, he wouldn’t have broken his leg if his friend hadn’t advised him to jump out of a moving truck to impress a girl in the first place (And it didn’t even work!)!

DETAILS
Genre: Comedy
Cast: Male/Female
Setting: Yard
Age range: 12-18
Running time: Approximately 2 minutes

BEN

(to his friend)I’ve been practicing my clarinet all morning and I really thought I was gonna get in this time.  I know marching band is competitive, especially for the hockey team, but I had a good feeling about it all morning.  Fifth time’s a charm, my mom said. (pause)
Then that guy who wears all the jewelry stole my crutch. (pause) My mom said it was okay for me to practice my song outside, since it wasn’t raining and I was only playing marches.  But he ran up to me from across the street.  He was yelling something like, “shut the hell up!” or something.  And he knocked my stand over and grabbed one of my crutches.  I tried to run after him, but I’m not very fast on one crutch.  I didn’t let him get my clarinet though!  I had to toss it under the picnic table, and I’m sure I broke the reed, but at least I saved it.  Anyway, now I have to sort of hop and walk to get anywhere.  I don’t think I can make it to the gym on time with only one crutch.  And since you have that crutch you used in fourth grade when you were Tiny Tim, I was wondering if I could maybe borrow it.  I know you want it to stay in mint condition, but I won’t mess it up.  I’d have to bend over a little, since it’s a kiddie crutch, but my mom said I have a strong back.  I don’t mind. (pause) Hey, you’re the reason my leg is broken anyway.  You’re the one who told me to jump off the truck so—END OF EXCERPT

Click below for the complete digital copy of the monologue, Single Crutch, by Tara Meddaugh:

SKUNK MOMS
A trio of related monologues for children
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: FEMALE (male)
Setting: A home
Age range: 4-12 years old

JENNY (youngest), ALEXA (middle) and DEIRDRE (oldest) are sisters. They are speaking to their mother, pleading their case of why a baby skunk would make a good pet for their household.  Jenny makes the case of how cute they are. Alexa points out how she usually thinks Jenny is wrong, but in this case, she agrees and they must have a baby skunk.  Deirdre emphasizes how having a baby skunk will unite the three sisters, in getting along with each other, as well as learning responsibility. It is such a clear case to the sisters. They are so completely ready to be skunk moms. But is their mom?

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JENNY

No one gives skunks a chance because they stink, like really badly, but have you seen a baby skunk, Mom?  You would never say that if you had seen a baby skunk because we saw one yesterday, with Daddy, or really, it was a whole family of skunks. Like, a mom and four baby skunks, and we were in the car, and Daddy stopped the car because they were crossing the road and they were cuter than cats because their tails were so fluffy, like the rug you have on the chair that I put my face in sometimes, and there is no cat, I mean, not even one single cat in the whole universe, that has a tail that’s as fluffy at that. And—END OF EXCERPT
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ALEXA

You know Jenny is usually wrong, Mom. And I have to tell her all of her mistakes, like even this morning, she was saying that Canada is not a country, and that’s it part of the United States, but I was telling her, no, it’s a country, and they have accents and their own money and we even went to Niagara Falls and had to have passports, but she wouldn’t believe me because now that she’s in Kindergarten, she thinks she knows everything, but you and I, Mom, we know, because we’re older, that she’s wrong so many times. She even told me her teacher is a pokemon trainer. She’s not. Clearly. Pokemon aren’t real. So, like, if I agree with Jenny—END OF EXCERPT
click for the complete trio of monologues, Skunk Moms.

DEIRDRE

You might be a little scared thinking of a skunk living in our house, and spraying its yellow stink-poison all over the couch, but the thing is, it doesn’t have to be like that. You can take the sprayers out, wait, just listen—you can take them out, because Alexa and I asked Siri about and people do this. People really keep skunks as pets and you can just, you can just take the sprayers out and put them, I don’t know, in the trash or use them for Science or something. And then they’re just like, a cat, but so much better, as Jenny was saying, and we can use the doll brush to brush its hair, because we know it will need brushing, and we’re all okay taking turns doing that. And really, we’ll take turns with everything. Feeding it, and walking it, and I had the idea to put little shoes on it. Wouldn’t that be really cute? And I think it’s actually a way to bring all three of us together, like as sisters, and—END OF EXCERPT

Click for the complete trio of monologues, Skunk Moms.

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SNOWMAN VERSUS SUN

Titus confronts the sun in the age-old problem of Snowman versus Hot Sun. He has spent 40 minutes making a snowman when he could have been doing a lot of indoor activities (like playing video games or having a hot chocolate bomb). Titus first threatens to use his stored-up superpowers to control the sun, but then leans on pleading with the sun to just be nice and not melt his snowman. At least until his birthday (which is, um, in the summer…).

DETAILS
Genre: comedy/children
Cast: Male/Female/inclusive casting
Age range: 4-10
Setting: Outside, winter
Time period: Contemporary
Running time: Approximately 1 minute

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TITUS

(speaks to the sun in the sky)Mom said I can’t look directly at you, but you can look directly at me, so I hope you see how serious I am! I’m gonna use all those superpowers I’ve been storing up to control you! Yes, you, Sun! I spent 40 minutes making this snowman. 40 minutes when I could have been playing Mario Kart on the Switch! Or drinking a hot chocolate bomb! Or watching youtube. But I’m outside. And I rolled those snowballs all by myself and they got really heavy! (he might try to use superpowers, or might think better of it) Okay. (pause) Maybe I—END OF EXCERPT

Click here for the free complete 1-minute monologue, Snowman Versus Sun, by Tara Meddaugh. This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

STILL STANDING UNDER THE MISTLETOE
A comedic/dramatic monologue
By Tara Meddaugh
(c) 2018
Age range: teen-adult
Cast: Male
Running time: Approximately 1.5-2 minutes
Setting: A Christmas party
Description: Larry is at a Christmas party and speaks to his ex-girlfriend Mindy. She is standing under a mistletoe and he nervously confesses he still has feelings for her. He hopes that she still has feelings for him too, and that if she notices she is standing under the mistletoe, she will not move away from it… 

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LARRY

Is it okay that I’m, I mean, you don’t mind talking to me, when you’re—you know, you’re standing there? I mean, maybe you don’t even notice, but you’re standing under—Okay, I shouldn’t even mention. You’ll just move. And I—I—I don’t want you to move. (pause)You’re…Mindy…you’re the most beautiful thing at this Christmas party and that winter wonderland display is very pleasing to the eye, so it’s not easy competition. (pause) But—blue lights and artificial snow? It’s nothing compared to you. I haven’t forgotten how you smell like cinnamon or how your hair feels like velvet or how your laugh could, it could melt those icicles hanging from the roof. (pause) You make me a poet! (pause) So why would I want you to move when we’re finally so close? (pause) You don’t have to say anything. I don’t mind if you’re quiet because if you say something, you might tell me to leave. Or tell me I’m crazy. That this is all in my head that—END OF EXCERPT
Click below for the complete copy of the monologue, Still Standing Under the Mistletoe

TEDDY SHOULDN'T GO TO SPACE
Written by guest playwright, 8-year-old, Dylan B.
Genre: Comedy/Children/Teen
Age range: 5-13
Running Time: Approximately 1 minute
Description: Jackson is an 8 ½ year old boy. He is standing at the doorstep to his house. He speaks to a NASA member. His dog’s name is Teddy.

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JACKSON

You really shouldn’t send my dog to the moon. Remember you said that the rocket was fast, to convince me? Well, in space the faster you go, the farther you go to the future. So I won’t see Teddy for months! Also you’re not even paying me. And I know most kids would be excited about this, so…you don’t need to worry about paying—but still. You could run out of air. Get attacked by cosmic radiation, run out of gas, or freeze! You should go get volunteers. So once you leave, you can keep that in mind. And I see—END OF EXCERPT
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THE BEANSTALK
A 5-minute comedy/drama/fairy tale

Jack has impulsively climbed the giant beanstalk that had somehow appeared in his backyard over night. While it was exciting climbing up, he is starting to feel kind of lonely now…missing Mother, Brown Cow and even Fence Post. And the worst part of all…while it would be nice to climb down back to home…he realizes…he’s kind of stuck. And doesn’t want to be the laughing stock of the village, once again, as the boy who got stuck in a giant beanstalk. He solicits the help of a passing raven who has taken the time to stop and observe this strange human creature way up in the clouds. And maybe Jack’s solution isn’t really about climbing down the beanstalk…

DETAILS
Genre: COMEDY/DRAMA
Cast: MALE (FEMALE)
Setting: A GIANT BEANSTALK
Age range: 12-25 years old
Running time: 3-6 minutes
*Adapted from the 10-minute play, Jack and Dear Raven.

EXCERPT BELOW

JACK

Please don’t poke my eyes out! I’m not—I’m not an evil stepsister! Just a boy! No curses on me! I promise! (looks anxiously around then realizes raven won’t hurt him) So you—so you won’t…peck my eyes? Can we agree…to not do that? Because… because if you won’t…if you have no intention of hurting me, then…would you…would you mind staying with me? For a bit? I’m awfully lonely up here, Dear Raven. I hope it’s okay that I call you that because you are. Dear—that is. You’re the only creature that has stopped to see me. (pause) See, I didn’t…really…think that I’d make it up this far. I didn’t really think it through at all.  Mother keeps telling me that’s my problem—I don’t think, I don’t think! I guess she’s right… because now that I think about it…not thinking has landed me in quite a few pickles. Even just yesterday, I chased after what I thought was a sack of coins, but don’t you know, Dear Raven, I chased that sack of coins right into a cave and turns out the sack of coins was a baby bear! (pause) And his mama was not pleased with me. (pause) Still. I managed my way out of that pickle. As I always do, because my body reacts even if I don’t think. But Dear Raven…my body is not helping me out of this pickle. Not this time. (pause) Oh, climbing up here was easy. Put one foot in front of the other. Mother says I’ve always been a climber. It must be an instinct. When I was nine months old, she found me sitting on top of the brown cow in the barn one morning. But how long was I sitting there before she found me and she brought me down? (pause) I’ve never considered myself afraid of heights before, but it’s not really the climbing up that scares me. It’s the getting down, Dear Raven. (pause) You see, I think I’m stuck here on this giant beanstalk. (pause) Oh, I’ve tried climbing backwards already. I—END OF EXCERPT—

Click below for the complete version of the 5-minute-monologue, The Beanstalk.

To learn more about Jack and read the ten-minute play from which this monologue was edited, check out JACK AND DEAR RAVEN below.

THE BEST GENERAL TSO’s

Larissa finds a container of leftover General Tso’s chicken in the refrigerator from the last time she and her husband ventured to a restaurant, at the beginning of the covid-19 global pandemic. She discovers the chicken is now moldy and confronts her husband about how they can never have this meal from the restaurant again; it is now permanently closed. 

DETAILS
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Cast: Female (male)
Age range: 20s-50s, older teens
Running time: Approximately 1.5 minutes
Setting: A kitchen
Time period: Spring 2020 during global pandemic stay-at-home measures

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LARISSA

Babe—look at…look at what I found…It’s… It’s General Tso’s chicken! It was way in the back, behind the melon and those giant bags of nuts. They were blocking the leftovers. This is from…March…it was a Saturday…let me look at the calendar. March 14…I know it was then because it was a week before the lockdown but we already had, like, 500 cases in the county, so I was really nervous going to a restaurant and I was like, “This is the last time we’re going out. (pause) And now…Babe, the chicken is all moldy. Look…The broccoli too. You don’t wanna see? (pause) We could have eaten this if that bag of almonds wasn’t blocking it! Why do you keep buying almonds? No one is eating them! (pause) And no, Babe, we can’t just order take-out—END OF EXCERPT
Click below for the complete digital copy of the monologue, The Best General Tso’s by Tara Meddaugh.

THE BEST MARRIAGE ADVICE
(from the full-length absurdist thriller, BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER)

About the play, Black and White and Red All Over:
When Wife charges Husband with the perilous mission of finding her a new heart, his actions set into motion a series of unusual events, resulting in four strangers being left in his bathroom.  One individual has a will, one has a makeup bag, one doesn’t know his name, and one has a gun. And no one has any idea why anyone else is there…

About the monologue, The Best Marriage Advice:
Georgia is speaking to a young man and woman who have just met in this bathroom. The couple is in the bathtub, shower curtain pulled so Georgia cannot see them, but they are presumably making love, as they both have admitted they are young and attractive, and this should be the natural course of events. Georgia is a make-up artist, and older, believing she has much wisdom to impart. She offers them the sage advice to purchase a dog before children, and relays her tragic experiences of such experiences.

DETAILS

Genre: absurdist, comedic
Time Period: late 1990s
Cast: Female
Age range: 30s-70s
Running time: Approximately 2 minutes
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GEORGIA

What a lovely time to meet.  Well, I'll offer you just a bit of advice, if I may.  I should think you ought to purchase a dog before you have children, considering that is the patriotic thing to do.  And I'm sure you'll find many advantages to this purchase, as well.  My husband and I bought a dog and named him Granddad after my granddad.  Granddad had a terrible habit of running into the street and he was hit by a car one day and died, right before my eyes.  Then we bought another dog and named him Granddad after our previous dog that died.  Granddad had a nasty compulsion of chasing cars and so one day a car ran Granddad right over and he died, just simply died.  After that we bought another dog and named him Mugger.  But Mugger was just like the rest and got hit by a car and died.  I was, naturally, quite disappointed, this having been our third dog that died and all.  Then as I walked to Mugger's body, a neighbor stopped me and told me I ought to keep my dogs on a leash and perhaps they wouldn't run into the road and die quite so often.  Well, I thought this was an absolutely brilliant idea and—END OF EXCERPT

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THE BUS STOP
Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC/MATURE ADULT
Cast: MALE (FEMALE)
Setting: A BUS STOP
Age range: 60-90 years old, mature adult monologue
Description: LAWRENCE stands at a bus stop. It is cold. He has just been to the grocery store. He talks to a woman in her 70s or so, who is also waiting at the bus stop.
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LAWRENCE

I’m walking outta the damn food store carrying this bag of clementines—that’s all I got. Not even pushing a damn shopping cart. And some idiot with a Korean car almost runs me over! Some teenage kid driving, no doubt. Spikey hair. Playing games on his damn iphone, no doubt. Some lady behind me yanks on my elbow. She’s got her other hand holding some smart-allack kid’s hand and she says, “You all right?”  and he copies her like some damn parrot and says, “You all right?” I jerk her hand off my damn elbow and tell her and her smart-allack parrot-kid I’m fine. And I walk to the bus stop ‘cause I gotta take a damn bus and I think, this kid almost runs me over and I’m the one who can’t drive anymore? (shakes his head) Not right. (pause) Not right for a damn second. (pause) And I could tell you about how I served this country and put in my time and how Americans don’t give a damn about the elderly, when we should be respected because we’ve been places and built things and dammit we’re still here. (pause) But it’s mostly…it gets me…because this is it—END OF EXCERPT 

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THE DOG TOENAIL (excerpt from Free Space)
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting: A CAN FACTORY
Age range: 14-30 years old
Description: Ricky is a hardworking, kind and straight-forward young man at the local cannery.  When Amelia comes to visit him, she confesses to a mistake her family has made.  Ricky attempts to make her feel better about this.
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RICKY

Mistakes happen though.  To you and your mom, and it happened here at the cannery once—a lady came in a few months ago and said that she found a dog toenail in her can of corn!  And that was not on the label.   She was gonna sue us or something, but then the foreman gave her a free case full of canned corn and also some canned peas, because she said she really liked peas a lot better than corn anyway.  I told her if she just got the canned peas instead of the corn in the first place, she wouldn’ta had this problem and it woulda saved her some time that morning—END OF EXCERPT

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About the play, Free Space:
Amelia spends her days under the watchful eye of her mother, doing the same nothing she has done for years. Yet when Bingo arrives at her local community center, a talking Bingo chip convinces Amelia that forming her own game is the way out of this life and away from her controlling mother. However, as her mother begins acting like her newly arrived sister, and the chip becomes increasingly dominating, Amelia discovers her new life is nothing as she imagined. Learn more here.

To learn more about RIcky and Free Space, click for the entire hard-copy play, Free Space, from which "The Dog Toenail" monologue comes.

READ THE FULL PLAY, FREE SPACE, DIGITAL COPY
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THE MUD PUDDLE
Genre: COMEDY/CHILDREN'S
Cast: FEMALE (MALE)
Setting: OUTSIDE, NEAR A MUD PUDDLE
Age range: 5-10 years old
Description: Sophie is standing by a mud puddle.  Isabelle has pushed her in the mud puddle two times already and Sophie has resisted the urge to retaliate.  Her clothes are muddied and dirtied and she is sick of being pushed around. She speaks to Isabelle.
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SOPHIE

If you push me in that mud puddle one more time, I’m gonna…I’m gonna…my mommy said calling people a Poopy-Head is not a nice thing to do, but you are not doing a nice thing to me, so I just might have to call you that.  And yeah, so I have mud on me now, but it’s not poop, and having poop on your head is a lot grosser!  You think that’s funny?  Okay!  You can laugh.  Maybe you’d like some mud on you then?  What—are you gonna run away now?  Go tell your mom that I was gonna throw mud on you?—END OF EXCERPT

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THE OTHER “OTHER WOMAN”

MARIAN, a woman in her 20s-50s, is in a very small NYC hotel room.  She speaks to her boyfriend, Patrick. He is a married man, but her status of The Other Woman has been diminished when she finds out he has three other “other women.” After throwing some white wine in his face, she demands the respect she deserves, as the Original Other Woman.

DETAILS:
Genre: Comedy/drama
Cast: Female
Setting: Hotel room
Age Range: Adult
Running time: Approximately 2.5-3 minutes
Time period: Contemporary

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MARIAN

Are you still complaining about the wine spill? Okay, fine—it wasn’t a spill exactly, but you-you-you just made me so mad!  Here—I’ll lick it off you. You want me to do that? Let me do that.  It’ll be sexy. Come on.  Don’t back away.  Come on.  Okay, FINE! Then stop complaining about it! You sound like your 3-year-old right now!  You know how unattractive that is? (pause) I bet you’d let one of your other women lick it off.  Yeah, I’m gonna start this up again!  Because up until tonight, I thought I was your only other woman, and to find out you’ve got, what, three more?  It’s kind of a lot to digest.  Like, I need a probiotic kind of digesting. And…and…while I’m digesting this, I’m, I mean, I know I’m crying now—don’t try to comfort me!  I’m crying because I really, I really thought I was special and like, the only one you’d want to cheat on your wife with, because I was really that amazing. But now—I can stop crying on my own, Patrick! Don’t coddle me—Now it’s like I’m not special. I’m just part of a, a, an addiction or something.  Like I’m crack cocaine or heroin. And that’s not good for someone!  I don’t want to be that bad!  Don’t make me be that bad! (pause) I do wanna calm down, I do, but I can’t even walk away from you—there’s no where to go!  Do the other women have to stay in closets like this?  I mean, I know it’s New York, but—END OF EXCERPT
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THE PLUM COLORED SWEATER

Jasmine knows it’s only a sweater, but she just might be obsessively in love with it. She can’t help thinking of it, imagining it, touching it. She feels guilty; she cannot afford it, and it goes against her friend-policy of not buying what another friend already owns (Lilah has the same sweater). Still. She knows the sweater wants her. And she wants the sweater too.

DETAILS:
Genre: Dramatic, comedic
Running time: Approximately 4-5 minutes
Cast: Female
Age range: teen-20s
Setting: clothing store
Time period: Contemporary

JASMINE

(to Dave) I want to go shopping.  And not just that typical “girl shopping” where you try on seven pairs of skinny jeans and four tank tops in different shades of blue. I don’t need to check to make sure the camel belt looks just right around my….  I don’t need to try on anything—because I know exactly what I want. Right now. (pause) I want a new sweater.  (pause) And I know I already have a bunch of sweaters, and you’re right—they fit fine. They fit well.  Beautifully. And I love them. Really—every one. Well, except for the pilled up green one. I should really just get rid it. But the others…I wouldn’t stop wearing them. I just… (pause) See, I didn’t even know I wanted a new one. You know me. Practical. I don’t buy what I don’t need. I even saw this same sweater, a few weeks ago, and didn’t think much of it. Lilah was wearing it, and I thought, that’s a cool sweater. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it. But Lilah has it. It’s hers, and… (pause) I know you’re not a girl, but…you know how Eva dropped that blueberry cheesecake on me at Junior Prom? Got that caramel sauce all over my hair and the blueberry stains never did come out of the fabric. Well, that wasn’t because she’s clumsy. It was because I came in a sequin dress, just like her! And my dress wasn’t even the same color! (pause) So…I don’t really want to do that to Lilah. Or have her do anything to me. We run in the same dance circle, you know? (pause)  But this…is…the same sweater. The same cut, the same beautiful purple-plum color, so rich, but light at the same time. That same softness, mixed with a little of something else to make it…rougher? It’s just…it’s a perfect sweater…I would never have even thought of buying a sweater that Lilah already has, but—END OF EXCERPT

Click below for the digital copy of the monologue, The Plum Colored Sweater, by Tara Meddaugh.

THE REAL VALUE OF CANDY

Fred speaks to his dentist about the office policy of exchanging 1 pound of Halloween candy for $1.00. Fred is not pleased with this deal he entered into under false pretenses, and expresses the hard work he went through to get that candy. He decides he will not trade it in after all. He will do something else with the candy. He will eat it.

DETAILS
Running time: Approximately 1 minute
Cast: Male or Female
Age: 4-12
Genre: Comedic/Children’s monologue
Setting: A Dentist’s office

FRED

A dollar a pound. Really? Do you know how long it took me to get that candy? Do you know how many houses I had to walk to? In my costume? Without my coat on, because I wanted to look like a real superhero, not a superhero wearing a coat—

(THE MIDDLE SECTION OF THIS MONOLOGUE HAS BEEN OMITTED FOR PREVIEW PURPOSES. CLICK “ADD TO CART” BELOW FOR COMPLETE MONOLOGUE)

And that is why I will not be exchanging it. Because I know the real value of candy. (pause) I will be taking my candy home. And eating it. (pause) I will see you at my next teeth cleaning.

END OF PREVIEW EXCERPT
Click below for the complete children’s 1-minute monologue, "The Real Value of Candy"

THE STANDOFF
Genre: COMEDY
Cast: MALE (FEMALE)
Setting: SIDEWALK BY HOUSE
Age range: 5-10 years old
Description: It’s a warm summer day, and Kevin is standing on a sidewalk outside the house of his peer, Cayden. Cayden holds a small egg-sized water gun and Kevin holds a large automatic water gun.  The boys know each other fairly well and have played with each other in school and at each other’s houses, but they are not necessarily good friends.
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KEVIN

You go ahead and shoot.  I know you wanna.  It’s all you been thinking about since you came out.   Holding it like that, pointing it right at me.  You were sitting in your room when you saw me walking by, so you grabbed your gun and ran outside, thinking you were as fast as Flash Lightening, thinking you’d catch me before I got too far ‘cause I know you’re not allowed past that tree with the funny white bark.  Well.  You caught me.  Here I am.  But you’re not as fast as Flash, Cayden.  ‘Cause I saw you in the window, and I just waited.  I could’ve run past that tree. I could run past that tree right now ‘cause I got a babysitter and she lets me go wherever I want.  I know you’d chase me if I did it too, and you’d wanna go past that tree, but you’d have to decide—is it worth it?  Is it worth it, Cayden?  Is it worth losing tv time on a Friday?  Or ipad time?  Or isn’t today the day your mom lets you make your own ice cream sundae?   You wanna lose that—END OF EXCERPT

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THE THING ABOUT MERMAIDS

Riley recognizes that many mystical creatures are not real, but knows that mermaids are. In fact, Riley just saw one yesterday and describes the sighting to a friend in a park. But of all the mystical creatures Riley realizes, it’s kind of a waste that mermaids are real.

DETAILS
Genre: Comedy/Children
Cast: Female/male
Age range: 5-10
Running time: Approximately 45 seconds - 1 minute
Setting: Park 

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 RILEY

I know leprechauns aren’t real. I learned that when I was four and saw my mom hiding gold coins around the house in the middle of the night. And I know unicorns aren’t real either, because they’ve been extinct since the dinosaurs. But mermaids? (pause) I saw one in the lake yesterday. It was on a rock. It looked at me and didn’t even wave! And then it—END OF EXCERPT

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THOSE JIMMY CHOO SHOES

SARAH is at the principal’s office. She implores the principal to understand all of the terrible things that Madison has done to her, and how it has logically led to Sarah hitting Madison in the face with one of her Jimmy Choo shoes.

DETAILS
Genre: Comedy/Teen/Drama
Cast: Female
Age range: 12-20
Setting: Principal’s office
Running time: Approximately 1 minute

______________________

SARAH

You wanna know why I did it, I get it. But really, there are hundreds of reasons, so it’s more like, why didn’t I do it sooner? Madison is always, like, shoving those bags that cost a thousand dollars or whatever, like, shoving them on my desk when she walks by, and telling me about how she’s donating her Jimmy Choo shoes to the thrift shop and maybe I can afford them there. She also flirts with my dad. Did you know that? When he picks me up from school, she always finds a way to bend over, like she’s in some movie. And, she invited all the girls in our grade to the spa—except me. They went in a hot and cold sauna. I could—really, I could keep going, but the last thing she did, right before I got called to your office—and I hope, like, I hope all of this makes sense to you now—END OF EXCERPT

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The Statistics Aren’t Real, monologue
Genre: COMEDIC/DRAMATIC/TEEN
Cast: MALE (female)
Setting: A DYING FLOWER
Running Time: Approximately 1.5 minutes
From the ten-minute play Jumping the Wind By Tara Meddaugh © 2006

About the play, Jumping the Wind:
Pollen K-10 and Pollen V-6 are the last two remaining pieces of pollen on a dying flower, and they now must make the treacherous jump from the dying flower to a fresh one. Pollen K-10 has taught flower-jumping courses to the pollen in order to make their jumps successful, yet Pollen V-6 is terrified to jump the next wind, afraid of falling and being lost forever. As the leader of the pollen, Pollen K-10 risks his own safety, remaining to help her make this jump. The winds are fading, the flower will be destroyed by Cat that night, and Pollen V-6 doesn’t look any closer to jumping.

About the monologue:
Pollen K-10 cites various statistics which prove that since he has started his flower jumping course, the rate of pollen falling to their demise during jumps has dramatically decreased. In fact, the rate of success now is astoundingly high and should be encouraging to Pollen V-6, who is terrified to jump from the dying flower to a fresh flower. Pollen K-10 has never revealed where he has received these statistics, and Pollen V-6 begs him to tell her where he has gotten them from. She will make the jump during the next wind, but needs to know this information. She needs to know the truth.

_____________________

POLLEN K-10

The statistics aren’t real. I made them up. (brief pause) Please don’t lose faith in me, Pollen V-6! I tried to get the statistics! I really tried! I asked the flies, but they’re too fickle. They forget what I’ve asked them to do almost immediately after they leave, and they don’t remember me when they return. The friendlier bees tried to help, but then, even the most honorable ones told me upfront there was a conflict of interest. The birds don’t care. The Talls don’t understand us. There was nowhere for me to get the statistics. The statistics aren’t real…but… (pause) The statistics are true. Pollens survive the ride so much more than they used to, because they believe they can. They believe they’re prepared, and--END OF EXCERPT
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TINSEL FOR CHRISTMAS

Stan is trying to remain patient and respectful in the ER waiting room, while blood drips from his arm. He explains his evening of cheerfully bringing a Christmas tree to his ex-girlfriend’s porch. True, she had a restraining order against him, but…he’s not really great with measuring distances. Somehow all of this has landed him in the ER…where he’s beginning to not feel so hot…

DETAILS:
Genre: DARK COMEDY
Cast: MALE
Setting: HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
Age range: 20-60
Running time: Approximately 2.5 - 3 minutes

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STAN

I think I’m next actually. I was here before—It’s only… my arm is kinda bleeding right now and I was here before that woman with the twitch.  But I can wait over here.  Maybe you can’t see me very well.  Maybe I’ll wave my arms around like this. Is that better? Now you can see me real clear, right? (pause) Well…I think I should stop waving my arms around. I’m not a doctor, so I don’t know that for sure, but the blood from my arm is dripping on things. It’s dripping because…well, it’s Christmas time, y’know. And my girlfriend wanted a real tree. But I have allergies. That’s not why I’m at the hospital—I sniffle a lot and it annoys people but I wouldn’t come to the ER for allergies. I wish I would stop sniffling. (pause) My girlfriend’s sure been disappointed not having a real tree for Christmas the past few years. My allergies spoil everything. But this year, I thought it could be different because—END OF EXCERPT
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Tiramisu Vaping
Genre: Dark Comedy/Teen/Young Adult
Cast: FEMALE (Male)
Age range: 13-20s
Running time: Approximately 1.5-2 minutes
Description: Emma, a girl around 16 years old, speaks to her mother, justifying her habit of vaping. She claims it is a far less selfish habit than her mom’s generation of smoking, and that her generation has made serious steps to think of others, as well as the planet around her. She makes the case that vaping is a lesser evil than what she could be doing, so she pleads with her mom to be proud of her for once.
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EMMA

How can you possibly say that I’m selfish for vaping? I mean, I think, seriously, we’re the first generation who is not being selfish. We’re like, for real, using stainless steel thermoses which is even better than recycling. And you know, my friends and I started that anti-bullying workshop when we were 10—not for us, but for the little kids. Vaping is like—oh, it’s so frustrating talking to you!—vaping is like thinking about others. You know? Like, I’m thinking about you, Mom. And I’m thinking about Lucas and even random people on the street. I’m thinking about the whole world. I mean, the whole world! I’m not polluting, Mom! I’m not giving you or kids at the park cancer. Like, your generation didn’t care about that. Okay, I know, restaurants used to allow smoking and they stopped, but, I mean, this is much bigger than that. This is like, letting us be independent and try cool flavors like Tiramisu—you know I love tiramisu—but without the fat! I mean, I haven’t gained any weight since I started vaping. And it’s like—END OF EXCERPT

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What I Did Before Bingo, full version, 2.5 minutes
A monologue from the full-length play, Free Space
Cast: Female (or male)
Age range: teen-adult
Genre: Dark Comedy/Drama/Absurd
Running time: Approximately 2 ½ minutes. For the 1-minute version of this monologue, click here.
Setting: A living room  

About the play, Free Space:
Amelia spends her days under the watchful eye of her mother, doing the same nothing she has done for years. Yet when Bingo arrives at her local community center, a talking Bingo chip convinces Amelia that forming her own game is the way out of this life and away from her controlling mother. However, as her mother begins acting like her newly arrived sister, and the chip becomes increasingly dominating, Amelia discovers her new life is nothing as she imagined. Learn more here.

About the monologue, What I Did Before Bingo:
Tonight, Amelia has lost her valued volunteer position at the local community center, helping with Bingo Night. Now her mother has just wrestled away all of Amelia’s precious bingo chips, as she sees them as a sign of depravity. Her mother informs her that a new sister has taken Amelia’s bedroom so she must sleep on the living room floor that night. Amelia is dejected after a night of losing Bingo, the one thing that brought her joy and hope in her isolated world. She lies down to sleep on the floor when she realizes her mother did not take away all of her bingo chips. One is left and this one is special. Amelia hears it talking to her, and she is encouraged to share about what life was like before and after Bingo. She begins to have hope once more with the idea that she could form her very own bingo game.

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AMELIA

What? (she looks around and sees no one is there. After a moment, she settles onto the floor once more. Again, she starts suddenly and sits up.) Who’s there? (she stands and looks toward the door) Who said that? Who’s talking? (she walks around the room and looks under a piece of furniture.  She stares at something and her eyes widen.) You… (She pulls out a single bingo chip from under the furniture and holds it up) She didn’t get you…You’re a lucky chip—she took all the others. (pause) So…what do you want from me? (pause) Just to listen? But…why me? (pause) You really think I’m that special? That pure? (pause) Yes, I think I understand Bingo more than them too. I’m glad you noticed. Some of them still think that if you’re prettier or smarter or people like you more—that you have a better chance of winning…But you don’t. (pause) Well, it’s hard to remember really, what I did before Bingo. I know I just saw it last week, but I guess I didn’t really do too much before it. I just…I stared out the window with my mother…but besides that….oh—I guess I used to look at the stars by myself sometimes. Is that doing something? (pause) Because if I squinted my eyes hard enough, I could see myself on one of those stars. And I’d wave down to myself from that star and think, “I look so tiny on that earth.” And then I’d wave up at myself from earth and think, “I look so tiny on that star.” Of course, I know I’d be dead if I were actually on a star…but, sometimes, I’d really like to be there. But my mom—END OF EXCERPT

Click for the complete free monologue, What I Did Before Bingo, full version. This monologue is free to download, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

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READ THE FULL PLAY, FREE SPACE, DIGITAL COPY
Click below for a digital copy of the complete play, Free Space

WHAT I DID BEFORE BINGO 1 minute version
A monologue from the full-length play, Free Space
Cast: Female (or male)
Age range: teen-adult
Genre: Dark Comedy/Drama/Absurd
Running time: Approximately 1 minute.
For longer (2.5 minute version), click here.
Setting: A living room  

About the play, Free Space:
Amelia spends her days under the watchful eye of her mother, doing the same nothing she has done for years. Yet when Bingo arrives at her local community center, a talking Bingo chip convinces Amelia that forming her own game is the way out of this life and away from her controlling mother. However, as her mother begins acting like her newly arrived sister, and the chip becomes increasingly dominating, Amelia discovers her new life is nothing as she imagined. Learn more here.

About the monologue, What I Did Before Bingo:
Tonight, Amelia has lost her valued volunteer position at the local community center, helping with Bingo Night. Now her mother has just wrestled away all of Amelia’s precious bingo chips, as she sees them as a sign of depravity. Her mother informs her that a new sister has taken Amelia’s bedroom so she must sleep on the living room floor that night. Amelia is dejected after a night of losing Bingo, the one thing that brought her joy and hope in her isolated world. She lies down to sleep on the floor when she realizes her mother did not take away all of her bingo chips. One is left and this one is special. Amelia hears it talking to her, and she is encouraged to share about what life was like before and after Bingo. She begins to have hope once more with the idea that she could form her very own bingo game.

__________________

AMELIA

Yes, I think I understand Bingo more than them too. I’m glad you noticed. Some of them still think that if you’re prettier or smarter or people like you more—that you have a better chance of winning…But you don’t. (pause) Well, it’s hard to remember really, what I did before Bingo. I know I just saw it last week, but I guess I didn’t really do too much before it. I just…I stared out the window with my mother…but besides that….oh—I guess I used to look at the stars by myself sometimes. Is that doing something? (pause) Because if I squinted my eyes hard enough, I could see myself on one of those stars. And I’d—END OF EXCERPT

Click for the complete free monologue, What I Did Before Bingo, short version. This monologue is free to download above, but if you would like to support the playwright and her craft, you may do so below:

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READ THE FULL PLAY, FREE SPACE, DIGITAL COPY
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WHACK THE CHRISTMAS TREE, MAN

Robert is at a Christmas Tree farm with his friend, Rich and they are planning to cut down a tree for the holidays. Rich has a chainsaw with him, but Robert explains that is NOT the right way to chop down a Christmas Tree. He shows him his axe and lets him into the real spirit of Christmas.

DETAILS:
Genre: Comedic/Christmas
Running time: Approximately 1 minute
Cast: Male
Age range: 20s-50s
Setting: at a Christmas tree farm
Time period: contemporary
*This monologue contains cursing (2 times)

EXCERPT BELOW

ROBERT

A chainsaw? Dude! You gotta—look— (pulls out an axe) See what I have? It’s called an axe, man. This…is how you chop down a Christmas tree. That’s why they say “chop.” You ever heard someone say, “I’m gonna go chainsaw down a Christmas Tree”? Nah. Don’t be lazy. You gotta do the right way. (holds out the axe) Feel this. (pause) See? There’s—END OF EXCERPT

Click below for the complete 1-minute monologue, WHACK THE CHRISTMAS TREE, MAN.

WHAT MY FANGS ARE FOR
from the 10-minute play, When Marshmallows Burn

While roasting marshmallows with his mom over a campfire, Sammy has grown fur and fangs, in the light of the full moon. He has just run off to the woods to catch a squirrel for a snack. When he returns, blood around his mouth, his mother backs away from him, and asks what he has done. In this monologue, Sammy proudly explains to his mother how he has hunted his first squirrel. When his mom does not respond or seem proud of him, Sammy worries she is mad at him and will not talk to him again. He wonders if she only loved him when he was a human child.

DETAILS:
Genre: Drama/Dark Comedy/Thriller/Teen/Children
Cast: Male/Female/Gender neutral/flexible casting
Age range: 10 years old, but the role may be played by a child, teenager, or young adult
Setting: Outside, around campfire in backyard
Time period: Contemporary
Running time: Around 1 minute
From the play: When Marshmallows Burn

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SAMMY

I ran in the woods, then crouched down and was really quiet. After just a couple of seconds, I saw a squirrel—because, Mom, now I can see in the dark better than normal! So then, I jumped up, super fast, and ran to the squirrel, super super fast! And I put my mouth on the squirrel’s body and chomped down and just started chewing! The fur and bones didn’t even bother me! I guess that’s what my fangs are for. I think I ate most of in, like, 5 bites. That’s good, right? I always thought I was slower than most kids, but now, I might be faster than anyone! (pause) Mom? (pause) You’re proud of me, right (pause) Do you want me to get you a squirrel now? END OF EXCERPT
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WHY THAT WALKING SNOWMAN DIDN’T LIKE ME

MADISON, a popular IG (Instagram) model, sees a snowman come to life in front of her very eyes on Christmas Eve. And sure, of course, Madison knows this is all pretty insane, but it’s also a pretty amazing opportunity for her social media presence. However, as much as she would like, the silent snowman doesn’t seem to be cooperating for her selfie. Is it intimidated? Worried about collabs? She isn’t sure, but she is shocked when the snowman leaves before she can even get a video. It makes no sense why it wouldn’t want to hang out with her and her adorable rescue doggie, Bailey, especially when they both look so cute in their winter outfits. Luckily, Madison has Bailey to help her figure out a reasonable explanation for this disappointment.

DETAILS
Cast: 1-3 actors.* 1 speaking Female. (Optional 1-2 male/female nonspeaking roles: Bailey, the dog and the Snowman)
Age: Teen-young adult
Genre: Comedy
Setting: Outside, winter, snowy, Christmas Eve
Running time: around 4-5 minutes 
*This play may stand alone as a monologue, or if desired, the role of Bailey, the dog, may be added (gender inclusive). Bailey does not speak, but has noted “murmurs” of communication. The role of Snowman may be added as a third non-speaking role (gender inclusive).

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YOUR CRUCIAN CARPS ARE BLOCKING THE DOORWAY, MOM
A children’s comedic monologue
(About Animal Crossing)
By Tara Meddaugh

Luke is in his bedroom when his mother comes in to tell him to clean it. Today, he has played the video game, Animal Crossing New Horizons, on the Nintendo Switch. He has seen inside his mother’s house in the video game and is surprised she would tell him to clean his messy bedroom when her Animal Crossing house is extremely messy itself. He confronts her about this and proposes they strike a deal…

DETAILS
Genre: Comedy/Children/Tween
Cast: Male/Female
Age range: 5-12
Running time: Approximately 1.5 minutes
Setting: A child’s bedroom
Time period: Contemporary 

__________________________________

LUKE

You’re asking me to clean up my bedroom? Like, that one sock on the floor? Or this Dumbledore wand, by my foot? (pause) Mom… (shakes head) I walked in your house today. (pause) It’s such a mess in there! It looks like you took everything in your pockets and just dumped it on your floor! You’ve got, you’ve got a cat tower and summer shells and a carrot cake and a wedding bench and an automatic toilet—which is actually really cool and I kind of want that…. And your walls are all covered in your shirts and pants and a mantis head! I mean—what kind of room is that? Is it your bathroom or your kitchen or a store or something? And…oh my gosh, Mom… You have, I don’t know, 20 fish tanks all lined up around your room! And they’re not even cool rare fish! They’re like a bunch of horse mackerels and crucian carps! (pause) So, yeah, I’m a little surprised that… END OF EXCERPT.
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