DISAPPOINTING HELL
A dark comedy monologue
By Tara Meddaugh
Van is in a waiting room in the depths of Hell. It’s warm—not hot. In the monologue, Van speaks to another in the waiting room about how he met his soul, it happily insulted him, and in a rage, Van killed his own soul. And that’s why he’s down in the depth of this disappointing lukewarm Hell.
DETAILS:
Running time: Around 2-3 minutes, depending on performance
Cast: Male (could be any gender), 20s-50s
Time Period: Contemporary
Setting: A waiting room in Hell
Genre: Dark comedy
Tags: quirky, weird, funny but dark theater, monologue about Hell
VAN
(to the others in the waiting room)
You know, I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t seen my soul tonight. I didn’t know it was my soul at first, but when it started talking to me, when it started telling me how I was scared of being hit by invisible cars, how I was only happy listening to Simon and Garfunkle…well, it sounded so much like me.
So I go to it. I go to it and ask it, if it could tell me one thing, just one thing about itself, about me, what would it tell me.
So it hesitates at first, you know, like it can’t decide what delicious secret to tell me. Then it sighs, as much as a soul can. It sighs and sort of hiccups a little. Like maybe it’s overexcited. Or drunk or something. So when it’s done making these sounds, it stares at me with its transparent eyes, and it says, in this tiny voice—the voice a fawn might have, or a baby lamb. And it says, “If you live through today, you’ll get fired tomorrow. And when you get another job, you’ll get fired from that. And when you find someone you love, that person will leave you. And when you die, no one will care.”
So what do you say? What do you say when—END OF EXCERPT
Click below for the complete dark comedy monologue, DISAPPOINTING HELL.