REMOVE THE ROCK, PLEASE
A dark comedy monologue
By Tara Meddaugh
(c) 2015
Cast: Female, 20s+
Running time: Approximately 2 ½ minutes
Genre: Dark Comedy/Thriller
Description: Ashley has a large amount of blood on her dress and speaks to her friend, Stella. She is frustrated that the town mayor has ignored her repeated requests to remove a large (and, in her opinion, dangerous) rock from a local street. The blood was not caused by a rock-related injury, but in a way, the blood is related to the mayor’s lack of response to her rock-removal request. The mayor should have just listened to her in the first place and they would not be having this conversation right now, and there wouldn’t be blood on her dress either.
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ASHLEY
It’s exactly what you think, Stella. The blood. I’d love to say I was jogging down Fremont and fell on that God-awful rock by the bench that I keep asking the town to remove and that’s why I’m bloodied on my new Banana Republic dress. You know just as well as I do that the mayor plays his favorites with our requests. You had no problem getting him to make that bar turn down its Thursday night music. Even though I’d prefer to hear it across town. Free date-night in for me and Ricky. We used to order Thai food. Well, you ruined that for me now, didn’t you?
(pause)
But me—you know. I ask the mayor for one little rock—or, gigantic rock, to be more accurate—I ask for it to be removed, so that the good citizens of our upstanding town should not cut themselves on its jagged edges—and what response do I get back from the mayor?
(pause)
Crickets. It’s always crickets for Ashley Mahoney, whatever I request. You know they still do trash pickup at 6am on my block. Why do you get to sleep in until 7, a mile away, when I’m listening to the beeping of that garbage truck back up on our dead street before the sun even comes up? I’ve written ten letters but…crickets. Okay, that’s just my sleep. But this rock. This is a real hazard and if it had bloodied me, maybe they’d take me seriously. Well, it’s a moot point anyway, because I didn’t get all this blood on me from the rock. Although, it’s kind of related.
(pause)
It’s actually entirely related.
(pause)
If the mayor had listened when I kindly asked him to remove the rock, please, then you wouldn’t be looking at me like that, with your mouth open, and—END OF EXCERPT.
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